Run For God, and a Break from Motherhood

I have joined a group from church called Run for God. 

Yes, you heard me.  I will probably be the one waaaaay in the back, walking for all she's worth, but I joined the group anyway.

Our pastor has a passion for running and is quite a talented, accomplished runner, in fact. From this passion of his, our group was "born".  The group is designed to connect people with a similar interests (running, exercise, healthier living, etc.) to one another and to Christ.

Our group meets on Wednesday evenings and we are working toward a 5K.  I suppose I'm so excited to be a part of this group for many, many reasons, but mostly because - as bad as it sounds - I finally feel like it gives me permission to take a break from motherhood once in a while and gives me an excuse to do something good for ME.

I don't know if I can fully articulate how difficult it is for me to even say that.  Take time for yourself?!  Gasp! Shameful!, my subconscious is horrified at the thought!

It might make sense to some other mothers as to why I have such guilt issues about leaving the house for a few hours to go exercise, or do anything for that matter that isn't child- or family-based.  In my head, I can't do anything that would end up letting someone down, so I usually don't feel I can actually justify taking time out for ME.  You're being selfish!  Tsk Tsk! Shame on you! 

This group is my "excuse"... after all, it's for church right?!  So my subconscious can't look down her nose at me.  Aha!  It allows me to give myself permission to take care of me for a while.  And quite frankly, I need to do more of that.  I need to learn to be a little selfish...to take a day off and go to see my "female Dr." because I'm ashamed to say I can't remember the last time I went...and that's just plain stupid at my age.  I need to start making the time...and taking the time...to take care of ME.  That includes exercise, and rest.  I'm so exhausted most of the time.

I have to take care of ME! 

I don't know why I feel the urge to cry when I write those words.  The guilt floods through me like I'm letting everyone down if I'm not readily available and ever-present, unless I'm working one of my jobs, or serving the church in some way.  I don't dare chase my dreams, or pursue my own desires... I have a family and I have to put myself on the back-burner!  If I want to take time to go walk for exercise or do something good for me, I feel as if it's as bad as sin, like I'm slacking and not holding up my end of things.  Like I'm being selfish. 
The fact of the matter is...if I don't lose weight, get healthier and start taking better care of ME, then I'm not going to be around for much longer.  My health will eventually begin to fail...I'm already on the brink of really starting to go downhill...and how much help am I going to be to my kids and husband if I'm gone??  And while I completely know it's all true, I'm still sitting here feeling guilty about even thinking about it!

So I'm grateful for this Run for God Group, because I DO feel extremely motivated...and I DON'T feel the guilt. (well, maybe a little, but hey, it's for church...so it's okay!)  Is it because I'm part of a group and not just exercising by myself?  Do I feel more like I'm serving and less like I'm slacking or taking away from my family?  I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm going to take full advantage of the opportunity and see what I can do with it. 

So say a little prayer for me that my body will adjust.  I hurt.  I'm not letting it stop me though.  I sort of feel as if this is my last shot.  My last chance to lose weight, to rescue my health before it tips over the side and plunges beyond the point of no return, my last chance to save my sanity from my crazy life, my last chance to have a goal, a dream and actually achieve it..... my last chance to save what's left of ME....because if I don't, it feels as if there will be nothing left of Kim inside....I'll just belong to everyone else around me.  I'll have given it all away.  Everyone will have a little piece of me, but there will be nothing of me left inside. 

Is this just me, or are there other mom's out there who can relate to this?  Let me hear from you!  And by all means, if you're looking for permission to take a break and do something good for you, JOIN ME.  You can run, you can walk but take a break and do something good for you. Come join our group if you're interested, or if you're not in the area, do it on your own!  Because there really are a whole lot of people counting on you, and it's downright overwhelming, isn't it?!  So if you don't step away once in a while, you'll burn out and fizzle into nothingness and you won't be good for anyone. 

If you are interested in joining the group, by all means, let me know...all are welcome!