Forcing Socialization

Let me say once again... I'm no expert.  I have nothing that qualifies me to give "expert advice" on raising a child with autism except that I happen to be doing just that.  But that's where you can draw the line.  And remember the popular saying, "If you have met one person with autism...you have met one person with autism."  Every individual on the spectrum is unique.  So that said...take my following "advice" with a grain of salt and just know your own kid.  What works for mine won't necessarily work for yours.  

It's been difficult to find time to write.  Last week was busy because it was Vacation Bible School at our church, Amazing Wonders Aviation.  It was an enlightening week for me as I watched Eli in this environment, and I think I have come to some important decisions about some choices I have been struggling with regarding Middle School (two years away).

But first, before I get to that, let me give a bit of Kudos where it's due.... our VBS is awesome! We generally pull in 70+ kids for the week.  Our event planner, Jodi, does an amazing job.  She's meticulous, organized, thinks every possible little thing through, plans out every minute detail for six consecutive days down to the last possible cookie needed....she does a great job!  

The VBS days of my childhood were filled with a little bible study and doing a craft project, usually consisting of cinnamon sticks, ribbons and glue, to take home to mama.  I think I remember us singing a song about the books of the bible at the end of the week for the parents.  That's all I remember about the VBS of my childhood.  Yawn.

Jodi, on the other hand, plans out and organizes a six day program for our kids that would put any event planner to shame!  I don't think anyone realizes the amount of time and energy that goes into the preparing for VBS!  She makes it an all out performance with music and video and dancing and singing and stations and games and valuable teachings and snacks and water play, not to mention the big to-do that occurs on the last night!  Surely our children are going to receive a lot more worthwhile memories of their VBS experiences! 

Our worship leader for VBS is Jenn and she gives it her all!  She spends a month or more learning every song, every word, every movement, every dance step and then, with great energy, she leads our children as they learn the songs each night.  Jenn stands up there on stage twice a night, for six nights, and gets our kids pumped up and excited about Jesus! Then she ends every evening on a high note before they depart for home.  She dances and sings and gives of herself in such a positive way...the kids love her!  The kids love her sidekick, Dusty Twails, too!  Dusty has been played for the last three years by our beloved minister, Chris.  He's hilarious, loses himself in the role, dances, sings, acts silly and takes such pleasure in connecting with the children, who are delighted with the silliness and fun he brings to VBS!  What a wonderful experience for these children!

There are too many other folks to mention all by name but we have a lot of volunteers who give their All during the week in order to make the event a wonderful success. People who give their time, money and talents, who connect with our children and give them such love and positive experiences.  And so many other members of the congregation who donate supplies.  It's truly a "whole church" event!

You would think with such an amazing event that our church puts on year after year, summer after summer, Eli would remember and be more than happy to go!  But this is Eli we're talking about...our little man who doesn't care to leave the house.  When told it was time to go to VBS, I got a lot of, "Noooo!!!  I don't want to go to VBS!  Nooooo!!!!"   

Like anything that involves leaving the house - if it's not something of his own choosing, we have to force the issue with him.

Essentially we have to force Eli to socialize.

The lesson included popping a balloon to get the piece of paper inside.
Eli didn't want to pop his balloon. Here he's protecting it.

Clearly we have to make smart choices when it comes to forcing Eli to go do something he's resisting, and we have had to learn to pick our battles.  We try not to force him into situations where his lack of wanting to go will negatively effect him or other people.  No need to cause a meltdown. No need to ruin someone else's good time.

But we know from experience that Eli will have a blast if he goes to VBS.  He comes home every evening with fun stories, telling me what a great time he had.  It's a joy to hear him walking in the door with his big brother after another evening, laughing about something funny that happened!

Eli enjoyed running backwards to make his wand emit large bubbles. 

  Eli has fun with the other kids and enjoys laughing with them, but I do still see how he keeps himself apart from them too.  


He quite often chooses to stand apart from them ... that is, until he chooses to join them.  I don't force him to join, but let him do it at his own pace, in his own time.  But at least he's in a place where he is being given the opportunity to join in when he's ready.  


And last week, watching him, it occurred to me... he seems happy in both places!  When he stands apart, he seems content.  When he chooses to join in, he seems well accepted and has a good time, too.  It's such a comfort after the early years of no friendships.  It's a blessing.  

Sometimes I feel like Ferdinand the Bull's Mother... 

"His mother saw that he was not lonesome, and because she was an understanding mother......

she let him just sit there and be happy."
(The story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf) 

Eli's favorite night of VBS was the final night with the giant inflatable
water slide.  Here he is climbing up to take his turn.

If E had his way, he would stay home all the time.  He wouldn't have to go out into the world.  He could just stay in the house, wearing his hoodie sweatshirts, holding Monkey, watching cartoons and waiting for his next time slot to play video games.

He wouldn't be forced to go to school.  He wouldn't be forced to go to church.  

He wouldn't be forced to go to anywhere he didn't choose to go...in other words, 

any place he didn't deem "fun"!

Waiting in line for the giant water slide.  What a smile!

I think this realization alone is helping me to lean toward keeping him in public school, and lean away from online home-schooling.  

Fun but freezing!  Eli spent a lot of the time
wrapped in a towel trying to warm up in the sun.

Eli needs those interactions with friends!  I don't want him to lose those skills, simply because he would choose not to leave the house.  As it is right now, those times when he decides he's ready to interact with other kids, he is accepted.  He's learning social cues and interaction skills, and those are so important for any kid...but especially for one on the spectrum!  Eli's already got enough eccentricities which, as he ages, will begin to set him apart from those who are unfamiliar with him.  Helping him now to learn how to appropriately interact with his peers, and providing him with the opportunity to develop relationships with other children who accept him as he is.... there's just no way I'm willing to take that away from him.


Eli's favorite parts of this year's VBS was the big to-do on the last night, with a slip-n-slide and the giant water slide from Athens Inflatables.  Plus, Chris gave him a plastic, blow-up airplane on the last night, which has become a favorite toy.




Eli has also enjoyed reliving several funny moments from the week and has laughed and laughed.  This brings me great happiness, because...well, if you've ever heard Eli's laughter, you would understand.  It just fills a room with joy!

Some of Eli's favorite stories from this year's VBS involved the child who announced into the microphone one evening that she'd farted, which amused most people, but seriously cracked Eli up.  Another child was caught eating the wet cement they used to make their stepping stones project. When he was told he couldn't eat the cement, he smacked his lips and proclaimed, "...but it's good!"  Eli has laughed and laughed about those stories and derived such hilarity from both instances that, for him, it was those moments that made leaving the house all the more worthwhile to him!

Personally, I see the irony...I could totally see a younger Eli doing both of those things.  Definitely.