Run For God, and a Break from Motherhood

I have joined a group from church called Run for God. 

Yes, you heard me.  I will probably be the one waaaaay in the back, walking for all she's worth, but I joined the group anyway.

Our pastor has a passion for running and is quite a talented, accomplished runner, in fact. From this passion of his, our group was "born".  The group is designed to connect people with a similar interests (running, exercise, healthier living, etc.) to one another and to Christ.

Our group meets on Wednesday evenings and we are working toward a 5K.  I suppose I'm so excited to be a part of this group for many, many reasons, but mostly because - as bad as it sounds - I finally feel like it gives me permission to take a break from motherhood once in a while and gives me an excuse to do something good for ME.

I don't know if I can fully articulate how difficult it is for me to even say that.  Take time for yourself?!  Gasp! Shameful!, my subconscious is horrified at the thought!

It might make sense to some other mothers as to why I have such guilt issues about leaving the house for a few hours to go exercise, or do anything for that matter that isn't child- or family-based.  In my head, I can't do anything that would end up letting someone down, so I usually don't feel I can actually justify taking time out for ME.  You're being selfish!  Tsk Tsk! Shame on you! 

This group is my "excuse"... after all, it's for church right?!  So my subconscious can't look down her nose at me.  Aha!  It allows me to give myself permission to take care of me for a while.  And quite frankly, I need to do more of that.  I need to learn to be a little selfish...to take a day off and go to see my "female Dr." because I'm ashamed to say I can't remember the last time I went...and that's just plain stupid at my age.  I need to start making the time...and taking the time...to take care of ME.  That includes exercise, and rest.  I'm so exhausted most of the time.

I have to take care of ME! 

I don't know why I feel the urge to cry when I write those words.  The guilt floods through me like I'm letting everyone down if I'm not readily available and ever-present, unless I'm working one of my jobs, or serving the church in some way.  I don't dare chase my dreams, or pursue my own desires... I have a family and I have to put myself on the back-burner!  If I want to take time to go walk for exercise or do something good for me, I feel as if it's as bad as sin, like I'm slacking and not holding up my end of things.  Like I'm being selfish. 
The fact of the matter is...if I don't lose weight, get healthier and start taking better care of ME, then I'm not going to be around for much longer.  My health will eventually begin to fail...I'm already on the brink of really starting to go downhill...and how much help am I going to be to my kids and husband if I'm gone??  And while I completely know it's all true, I'm still sitting here feeling guilty about even thinking about it!

So I'm grateful for this Run for God Group, because I DO feel extremely motivated...and I DON'T feel the guilt. (well, maybe a little, but hey, it's for church...so it's okay!)  Is it because I'm part of a group and not just exercising by myself?  Do I feel more like I'm serving and less like I'm slacking or taking away from my family?  I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm going to take full advantage of the opportunity and see what I can do with it. 

So say a little prayer for me that my body will adjust.  I hurt.  I'm not letting it stop me though.  I sort of feel as if this is my last shot.  My last chance to lose weight, to rescue my health before it tips over the side and plunges beyond the point of no return, my last chance to save my sanity from my crazy life, my last chance to have a goal, a dream and actually achieve it..... my last chance to save what's left of ME....because if I don't, it feels as if there will be nothing left of Kim inside....I'll just belong to everyone else around me.  I'll have given it all away.  Everyone will have a little piece of me, but there will be nothing of me left inside. 

Is this just me, or are there other mom's out there who can relate to this?  Let me hear from you!  And by all means, if you're looking for permission to take a break and do something good for you, JOIN ME.  You can run, you can walk but take a break and do something good for you. Come join our group if you're interested, or if you're not in the area, do it on your own!  Because there really are a whole lot of people counting on you, and it's downright overwhelming, isn't it?!  So if you don't step away once in a while, you'll burn out and fizzle into nothingness and you won't be good for anyone. 

If you are interested in joining the group, by all means, let me know...all are welcome!

Doubts

Last October, just a few days after we received Eli's PDD-NOS diagnosis, our family left to go on vacation in the Great Smoky Mountains.  It was a stunning time of year, with the most vibrant leaves, fantastic weather, and it was magnificent to just pull the kids out of school for a week and walk away from all of life's stressors for some much needed down-time.  We had rented a beautiful cabin in the mountains for the week and we were all so excited just to get away and be together as a family!

Despite our glorious location and my attempts to put the last few weeks behind me, my subconcious wasn't having any part of it.  Our second or third night there I had a terrible dream.  In the dream our older son, Ash, was trying to apologize, calm and comfort Eli, who was hysterically screaming and crying.  Ash kept saying, "I'm sorry Buddy, I didn't mean to!  I didn't mean to!" But dream-Eli would not be consoled.  He kept screaming, "How could you!?  HOW COULD YOU?!" over and over.... and suddenly.... I realized that Eli was screaming at ME!  Waves of horror washed over me and I woke up with his accusations still ringing in my ear. 

How COULD you let them diagnose me with an ASD, Mom?!  I'm in the National Registry now, and this affects my whole life and what if it's wrong and this will never go away now that it's been done and are you sure it's accurate?? YOU LET THEM!!!  HOW COULD YOU?!

That was the end of sleep for that night.  It was around three in the morning and the entire cabin was silent.  I was shaken and about half nauseous....what had I done?!  I had allowed them to slap a LABEL on my child that would never, ever go away!  What had I done to him?  How COULD I have let them ruin the whole rest of his life by calling him "Autistic"?!  What kind of mother was I?  I left our bed and went elsewhere in the cabin to get myself calmed down, so I wouldn't disturb Ben's sleep.  I was in utter tears and still couldn't get dream-Eli's screams out of my head.  How could you!?

Unless you have been there yourself, it's very difficult to understand the emotional trauma a parent goes through when you're told that your beloved child has a problem that you are unable to fix.  I'm sure all parents react differently.  My own mental anguish ran along the lines of guilt, doubt, self-blame, fear, and an overwhelming sense of loss for "future, adult Eli".  What did I do wrong during my pregnancy that caused this?  Am I actually to blame?  For the longest time, when E was a toddler, I was absolutely certain that it was my inability to breastfeed him that had caused his lack of interest in being held or cuddled, which of course had led to the severe behavior problems he displayed regularly.  Afterall, I'd been able to breastfeed Ash - look how close we were, how snuggly he'd been as a little guy, and how well adjusted he was now!  A very wise nurse early in our evaluation processes rolled her eyes at me in gentle mocking and said, "You sound like most mothers....trying to blame yourself for this situation.  But I'm gonna tell ya Girl.... YOU. DIDN'T. DO. THIS."  It was the first time someone had given me permission to believe that, and I'll never forget it.

A few hours after I'd been horrified awake, I crawled back into bed and sobbed in my husbands arms, told him about the dream and all my fears and doubts about the diagnosis we'd been handed a few days ago, and just accepted without question.  Shouldn't we have gotten second and third opinions?  Had we totally ruined Eli's life by allowing them to label him?  What had we done?!!  It was the first time I'd really verbalized anything about all the stuff that had been in my head since we'd received the diagnosis.  I guess it had taken me that long to let it sink in.

You have to understand something about my husband, Ben.  He's a really calm guy.  He doesn't really get excited.  His rear-end could be on fire and he might say, "Wow.  It's a little warm in here."  He's my rock, my sounding board and my voice of reason when I am no longer capable of keeping myself in check.  He said, "Honey.... have you done any reading about PDD-NOS?"  I admitted I really hadn't...when would I have had time??  We got the evaluation results and then scrambled to get ready to leave town for a week.  There'd been no time for reading, pleasure or otherwise!  Ben advised me to get online and look PDD-NOS up and read.  He assured me he felt confident the diagnosis was right.

That in itself made me feel better, because another thing you need to know about Ben... he is not a sucker.  He doesn't immediately trust something is as it seems unless you can pretty much prove it to him.  If he was feeling confident about this, that brought me down several levels on the panic-meter!

 So I read.  I found several things online that deal with the PDD-NOS by name and began to read about the behaviors associated with it.  I began to read and read, and I felt much better, because every description I found sounded like they were describing Eli himself.  I hadn't ruined my kid's whole life after all. I also realized, as I sat there on the porch of the cabin, wrapped in a blanket in the rocking chair, absorbing everything I could in the chilly autumn dawn.... I hadn't "labeled" him.  Instead we have empowered him! 

Our son is not his diagnosis.  My child is not defined by his diagnosis!  Our son is Eli! He is smart and hilarious and charming and sweet!  He's one of the most generous, kind people I've ever known, with a loving, giving heart.  He is patient, polite (um....most of the time!), helpful, amazingly tolerant and he has a grin that will light a room!  Yes, he has some eccentricities and some unique challenges (especially in the classroom) that may confuse or frustrate those who do not know him.  However, this diagnosis has given all of us the power to meet those challenges head-on.  How he succeeds and overcomes and meets those challenges...those are the things that will define him.

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