Taking Control

Not long ago, I was speaking with Eli about ways he could help himself avoid a meltdown.  I'm trying to help him learn how maintain control when the emotions are taking him over.  I was explaining to him that he has the power to stay in CONTROL of himself, by the CHOICES he makes.  He has the power to choose whether or not to continue the path he is on (headed toward a meltdown) or to choose to turn and go a another direction (removing himself from the stressful situation, giving himself some space, doing some deep breathing, etc.) in order to stay calm.

It suddenly struck a hard chord with me.  I've been rolling it around in my head ever since, trying to wrap my mind around it.

I have not felt in control of my life for a very long time now.  In fact, I can't tell you the last time I felt in control.  Was I ever? 

I spend a lot of time trying to be in control.  I organize and arrange and record things in multiple calendars.  I plan ahead, stay on top of things and communicate very well, although it's often not reciprocated. It turns out...all my efforts...it's just busy work!  It doesn't keep me from feeling as if I'm being pulled in too many directions.  It doesn't keep me from being exhausted.  It doesn't solve the fact that, despite being on top of everything, in reality I'm being ineffective in all things!  It doesn't take away the hopelessness of all the situations I feel I'm drowning in or lift the dark clouds of sadness that have been engulfing me for the past year.

There are too many things beyond my control. I'm a "fixer", and I can't fix any of this crap! I trot along for a while, running here, running there, doing a darn good job of appearing to keep up, fooling myself into thinking that I have it all together.  And then God gets tired of watching me run around in circles, chasing my own tail.  He rolls His knowing eyes and throws me a curve...or six.... to try, once again, to get His point across.     

So many things have changed in my life over the past year.  There hasn't been just one event to cause all of this.  Oh no.  One event, I could manage.  Maybe even two or three!  Unfortunately, over the past year, there have been too many situations that have brought out negative emotions.  It has become so very clear to me just how out of control my life has become.  There has been pain.  And fear.  Hurt.  Anger. Sadness. Hopelessness. Deep disappointment.  Anxiety.  Confusion and frustration.  Did I mention hurt?  All the happy has been sucked out of me.  All of it.  And I just can't seem to get it back.

I suspect there are a lot of other women out there who may be in the same place.  

How many articles and autism blogs have I read in the last few months where the writer indicates she has gone on antidepressants or anxiety medication in order to cope?  How many women do I know who are struggling so hard to keep going, but it's requiring medication to do so? I'm not there yet...maybe I should be...but if I don't make some changes, it won't be long until I reach that point.

As I talked with Eli that day however, it hit me so very hard.... "Your life is not in control, Kim....and your current options pretty much suck."  There are too many outside factors, too many people involved, too many areas of my life that are being affected, too many things I really cannot change!

Is this what Eli feels all the time?  Is he experiencing the hopelessness and sadness that has been plaguing me for months?  My heart just breaks to think he might be.  Sometimes when he has a meltdown, I think, "Wow...I'd kinda like to do that!"  Just cry, scream, throw things and then go hide under the bed. 

He might actually be on to something.

But then ... that isn't the sort of behavior we want, is it.  

So in order to help him, I have to figure out how to help me.  Because I say it to him, I - in turn - need to say it to ME, "Don't worry about all that outside stuff...don't worry about what those people are doing...don't worry about the things you can't control, focus on the things you CAN.  Focus on YOUR choices....only the the things you CAN control and change."  

But it's a process.  This is not going to happen overnight.  So today I begin.  I begin to remove the things from my path that are bringing me to such a devastatingly low emotional level. Everything else will have it's place, and that place may be far, far away from me! 

This is MY LIFE.  I will be dedicated to God and my family and I will learn to be dedicated to myself, because out of everything and everyone, 

I'm the one who is most neglected by me.

It's the old airplane principle...put your oxygen mask on before you help someone else get their mask on. I can no longer continue taking care of everyone else because I haven't been taking care of me.  I have nothing....nothing....left to give.  So I begin the process today.  Today, I being to take care of me...FIND me...clear the path...walk away from the un-fixable....put aside the unmanageable...relearn how to live my life so I can be effective as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend.  Baby steps.  One change at a time.  I will regain the joy in my life.

Once again, in trying to help Eli, he's turned around and helped me.  

And he doesn't even know it.  

Clearing out the "Clutter"

Once in a while I get into a "pitching frenzy".  Stuff that has been sitting in that drawer, untouched for how many years??  Out you go!  Kitchenware that was "inherited" from a relative who has passed away, which now sits in the already overstuffed cabinet and hasn't been touched once in the five years since the funeral....See Ya!  Clothes I hate to wear, or I'm too fat to wear, or are just downright ugly or uncomfortable...You're so outta here!

My three guys know when I get in one of the frenzies they better not sit in one place for too long, or they might find themselves stuffed into one of the trash or donation bags! 

We have a Good Will Store in town called "New To You", and I suspect they love to see me pulling in to the dock where you unload donations.  I imagine a lot of the shelves in their store are lined with crap...Oh, I mean STUFF...that I have purged from our house over the years.  I don't know how we end up with all that STUFF.  It's not bad stuff.  It could be good stuff for someone.  It just doesn't belong in my house! 

Does anyone else know what I mean??  Is anyone else dealing with this phenomenon?? 

Sometimes I just want to throw out everything and start over.  Of course that would be entirely wasteful, but occasionally I feel like every drawer is stuffed, every closet is overflowing, every cabinet is packed to the point of bursting!  Where does it all come from???  I go through and purge and pitch and get rid of the clutter...and it feels really good for a while!  Very freeing!! Then I turn around and the drawers are full again, the closets can't hold another item and I know I'm going to make the New To You staff really happy once again.

In the last year I have begun clearing out the clutter in my LIFE as well.  It all began with a book we were reading in my Clump at church.... 

Before I continue, I'm sure that word threw some of you for a moment, so let me define.  Our Clumps are our Small Groups at church...we don't have cliques, we have Clumps.  I'll write more about my Clump another time, but for now, just understand it's my small group at church.

 

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 http://www.amazon.com/Crazy-Love-Overwhelmed-Relentless-God/dp/1434768511/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1334165738&sr=1-1



My Clump began reading Crazy Love, by Francis Chan last year - AWESOME BOOK!  Strongly recommend!  Anyway, in the first chapter, he talks about clearing the clutter out of our lives.  Most of us tend to DO too much.  A lot of what we do is probably really good!  But even so, if these THINGS are cutting into the really important parts of your life, then you need to make some tough decisions and let some of it go.  Are you sacrificing your family to do stuff?  Sacrificing your health?  Are you sacrificing your spiritual well-being?  Are some of your relationships sacrificing your mental or emotional well-being?

If you answered Yes to even one of those questions, it may be time to start clearing out the clutter in your own life.  Just as I pull out the overstuffed drawer and start examining its contents, muttering "Why is this in here?  Why am I holding on to this??  What purpose does this thing have?  What value does it hold?" -- just as I clear out the unnecessary STUFF from the house, I began to go through my life deciding what to keep and what to let go. 

Let me tell you, some of those decisions were tough!  I've backed away from a few personal relationships that were causing me too much stress.  I've let go of some favorite commitments or groups or classes that I really DO want to be a part of, but they were taking away from time at home, and that was affecting my family, so those groups had to go for now.  They were all GOOD THINGS!  Maybe one day when my kids are grown and they have lives of their own, I can re-join the Wednesday night bible study group, or get back together with friends to walk.  But right now, my family needs me.  ELI needs me, to be there, to support him, to help him, to love him and help him through his more difficult struggles.  I know where I'm needed most, and therefore I had to choose. 

As Eli will often remind me, "I'm way more important than _______ (fill in the blank), Mom!" 

Yes, E...you most certainly are.  You, Ben and Ash are far more important that doing any of those other things.

While letting those things go was quite difficult, ... others things, not so much.  Eli's neurologist at Children's Hospital who refused to smile at us, scoffed at some of the information we gave her about Eli, and couldn't even bring herself to look at my son, let alone speak to him....she was not so difficult to let go.  She was the Dr. who - upon witnessing Eli's emotional meltdown because he wanted one of the latex gloves in the exam room and I would not allow him to have it (because that's the rule in Dr's offices these days - no rubber gloves!  They are not toys!) - got up and left the room and didn't come back.  She patted Eli on the head as she walked out and said, "I can tell you are having a rough day", and that was it.  She was gone.  After sitting there for 45 minutes wondering what in the world was going on, a nurse walked in and asked us if we needed something....???  When we explained that we had been sitting there for nearly an hour waiting for the Dr. to come back, the nurse disappeared, came back with referrals to Psychololgy, Psychiatry and the Autism Behavioral Clinic (where his eventual evaluation finally came from last October) and ushered us out of the room.  We were being dismissed.

Eli reading in the car as we traveled
to a Dr. appt last week

Nope, it wasn't such a tough decision to let that Dr. go.  She had run her course as a resource, got us where we needed to be, with the referrals for getting Eli the help he needed, but the thought of spending time with her in that small room ever again was causing me unhealthy thoughts.  I felt joy when I called to cancel the next appointment, and politely let them know we would not be back.

Is there anyone or any situation in your life like that?

I recently stopped the appointments with another Dr. of Eli's, not because of any negative event, but because E's currently doing quite well, and to continue to go see her once a month was a waste of her time and ours.  Eli was no longer benefitting from the appointments, and she was in complete agreement.  She's there if we need her in the future...just call.  That too felt very uplifting, to let go of those appointment.

I've reviewed all sorts of things in my life.  I know it will take time to clear out all the clutter, and I know that somehow it will continue to creep in and re-establish itself over and over again.  It's certainly something I will have to stay on top of.  I've learned to say No to things I don't feel passionate about, and even to some things that I do feel passionate about.  Someone suggested to me that I start a support group for parents of children in our area who are on the Spectrum.  Wow...really? 

While it SOUNDS like a noble and beneficial undertaking, exactly when would I have time to do that?  I wouldn't even know where to start.  If I didn't already work two jobs, I might have time to research how one would actually go about doing something like that, but I still see it cutting into the time I need to be at home with my family.  I don't see where it would be beneficial to me or my child at this time. 

It's not a bad thing.  I'm sure it would be a good thing for someone.  It just doesn't belong on my to do list.

What about you?  Is it time to clear out some clutter in your own life?