Taking Control

Not long ago, I was speaking with Eli about ways he could help himself avoid a meltdown.  I'm trying to help him learn how maintain control when the emotions are taking him over.  I was explaining to him that he has the power to stay in CONTROL of himself, by the CHOICES he makes.  He has the power to choose whether or not to continue the path he is on (headed toward a meltdown) or to choose to turn and go a another direction (removing himself from the stressful situation, giving himself some space, doing some deep breathing, etc.) in order to stay calm.

It suddenly struck a hard chord with me.  I've been rolling it around in my head ever since, trying to wrap my mind around it.

I have not felt in control of my life for a very long time now.  In fact, I can't tell you the last time I felt in control.  Was I ever? 

I spend a lot of time trying to be in control.  I organize and arrange and record things in multiple calendars.  I plan ahead, stay on top of things and communicate very well, although it's often not reciprocated. It turns out...all my efforts...it's just busy work!  It doesn't keep me from feeling as if I'm being pulled in too many directions.  It doesn't keep me from being exhausted.  It doesn't solve the fact that, despite being on top of everything, in reality I'm being ineffective in all things!  It doesn't take away the hopelessness of all the situations I feel I'm drowning in or lift the dark clouds of sadness that have been engulfing me for the past year.

There are too many things beyond my control. I'm a "fixer", and I can't fix any of this crap! I trot along for a while, running here, running there, doing a darn good job of appearing to keep up, fooling myself into thinking that I have it all together.  And then God gets tired of watching me run around in circles, chasing my own tail.  He rolls His knowing eyes and throws me a curve...or six.... to try, once again, to get His point across.     

So many things have changed in my life over the past year.  There hasn't been just one event to cause all of this.  Oh no.  One event, I could manage.  Maybe even two or three!  Unfortunately, over the past year, there have been too many situations that have brought out negative emotions.  It has become so very clear to me just how out of control my life has become.  There has been pain.  And fear.  Hurt.  Anger. Sadness. Hopelessness. Deep disappointment.  Anxiety.  Confusion and frustration.  Did I mention hurt?  All the happy has been sucked out of me.  All of it.  And I just can't seem to get it back.

I suspect there are a lot of other women out there who may be in the same place.  

How many articles and autism blogs have I read in the last few months where the writer indicates she has gone on antidepressants or anxiety medication in order to cope?  How many women do I know who are struggling so hard to keep going, but it's requiring medication to do so? I'm not there yet...maybe I should be...but if I don't make some changes, it won't be long until I reach that point.

As I talked with Eli that day however, it hit me so very hard.... "Your life is not in control, Kim....and your current options pretty much suck."  There are too many outside factors, too many people involved, too many areas of my life that are being affected, too many things I really cannot change!

Is this what Eli feels all the time?  Is he experiencing the hopelessness and sadness that has been plaguing me for months?  My heart just breaks to think he might be.  Sometimes when he has a meltdown, I think, "Wow...I'd kinda like to do that!"  Just cry, scream, throw things and then go hide under the bed. 

He might actually be on to something.

But then ... that isn't the sort of behavior we want, is it.  

So in order to help him, I have to figure out how to help me.  Because I say it to him, I - in turn - need to say it to ME, "Don't worry about all that outside stuff...don't worry about what those people are doing...don't worry about the things you can't control, focus on the things you CAN.  Focus on YOUR choices....only the the things you CAN control and change."  

But it's a process.  This is not going to happen overnight.  So today I begin.  I begin to remove the things from my path that are bringing me to such a devastatingly low emotional level. Everything else will have it's place, and that place may be far, far away from me! 

This is MY LIFE.  I will be dedicated to God and my family and I will learn to be dedicated to myself, because out of everything and everyone, 

I'm the one who is most neglected by me.

It's the old airplane principle...put your oxygen mask on before you help someone else get their mask on. I can no longer continue taking care of everyone else because I haven't been taking care of me.  I have nothing....nothing....left to give.  So I begin the process today.  Today, I being to take care of me...FIND me...clear the path...walk away from the un-fixable....put aside the unmanageable...relearn how to live my life so I can be effective as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend.  Baby steps.  One change at a time.  I will regain the joy in my life.

Once again, in trying to help Eli, he's turned around and helped me.  

And he doesn't even know it.