Taking Control

Not long ago, I was speaking with Eli about ways he could help himself avoid a meltdown.  I'm trying to help him learn how maintain control when the emotions are taking him over.  I was explaining to him that he has the power to stay in CONTROL of himself, by the CHOICES he makes.  He has the power to choose whether or not to continue the path he is on (headed toward a meltdown) or to choose to turn and go a another direction (removing himself from the stressful situation, giving himself some space, doing some deep breathing, etc.) in order to stay calm.

It suddenly struck a hard chord with me.  I've been rolling it around in my head ever since, trying to wrap my mind around it.

I have not felt in control of my life for a very long time now.  In fact, I can't tell you the last time I felt in control.  Was I ever? 

I spend a lot of time trying to be in control.  I organize and arrange and record things in multiple calendars.  I plan ahead, stay on top of things and communicate very well, although it's often not reciprocated. It turns out...all my efforts...it's just busy work!  It doesn't keep me from feeling as if I'm being pulled in too many directions.  It doesn't keep me from being exhausted.  It doesn't solve the fact that, despite being on top of everything, in reality I'm being ineffective in all things!  It doesn't take away the hopelessness of all the situations I feel I'm drowning in or lift the dark clouds of sadness that have been engulfing me for the past year.

There are too many things beyond my control. I'm a "fixer", and I can't fix any of this crap! I trot along for a while, running here, running there, doing a darn good job of appearing to keep up, fooling myself into thinking that I have it all together.  And then God gets tired of watching me run around in circles, chasing my own tail.  He rolls His knowing eyes and throws me a curve...or six.... to try, once again, to get His point across.     

So many things have changed in my life over the past year.  There hasn't been just one event to cause all of this.  Oh no.  One event, I could manage.  Maybe even two or three!  Unfortunately, over the past year, there have been too many situations that have brought out negative emotions.  It has become so very clear to me just how out of control my life has become.  There has been pain.  And fear.  Hurt.  Anger. Sadness. Hopelessness. Deep disappointment.  Anxiety.  Confusion and frustration.  Did I mention hurt?  All the happy has been sucked out of me.  All of it.  And I just can't seem to get it back.

I suspect there are a lot of other women out there who may be in the same place.  

How many articles and autism blogs have I read in the last few months where the writer indicates she has gone on antidepressants or anxiety medication in order to cope?  How many women do I know who are struggling so hard to keep going, but it's requiring medication to do so? I'm not there yet...maybe I should be...but if I don't make some changes, it won't be long until I reach that point.

As I talked with Eli that day however, it hit me so very hard.... "Your life is not in control, Kim....and your current options pretty much suck."  There are too many outside factors, too many people involved, too many areas of my life that are being affected, too many things I really cannot change!

Is this what Eli feels all the time?  Is he experiencing the hopelessness and sadness that has been plaguing me for months?  My heart just breaks to think he might be.  Sometimes when he has a meltdown, I think, "Wow...I'd kinda like to do that!"  Just cry, scream, throw things and then go hide under the bed. 

He might actually be on to something.

But then ... that isn't the sort of behavior we want, is it.  

So in order to help him, I have to figure out how to help me.  Because I say it to him, I - in turn - need to say it to ME, "Don't worry about all that outside stuff...don't worry about what those people are doing...don't worry about the things you can't control, focus on the things you CAN.  Focus on YOUR choices....only the the things you CAN control and change."  

But it's a process.  This is not going to happen overnight.  So today I begin.  I begin to remove the things from my path that are bringing me to such a devastatingly low emotional level. Everything else will have it's place, and that place may be far, far away from me! 

This is MY LIFE.  I will be dedicated to God and my family and I will learn to be dedicated to myself, because out of everything and everyone, 

I'm the one who is most neglected by me.

It's the old airplane principle...put your oxygen mask on before you help someone else get their mask on. I can no longer continue taking care of everyone else because I haven't been taking care of me.  I have nothing....nothing....left to give.  So I begin the process today.  Today, I being to take care of me...FIND me...clear the path...walk away from the un-fixable....put aside the unmanageable...relearn how to live my life so I can be effective as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend.  Baby steps.  One change at a time.  I will regain the joy in my life.

Once again, in trying to help Eli, he's turned around and helped me.  

And he doesn't even know it.  

Run For God, and a Break from Motherhood

I have joined a group from church called Run for God. 

Yes, you heard me.  I will probably be the one waaaaay in the back, walking for all she's worth, but I joined the group anyway.

Our pastor has a passion for running and is quite a talented, accomplished runner, in fact. From this passion of his, our group was "born".  The group is designed to connect people with a similar interests (running, exercise, healthier living, etc.) to one another and to Christ.

Our group meets on Wednesday evenings and we are working toward a 5K.  I suppose I'm so excited to be a part of this group for many, many reasons, but mostly because - as bad as it sounds - I finally feel like it gives me permission to take a break from motherhood once in a while and gives me an excuse to do something good for ME.

I don't know if I can fully articulate how difficult it is for me to even say that.  Take time for yourself?!  Gasp! Shameful!, my subconscious is horrified at the thought!

It might make sense to some other mothers as to why I have such guilt issues about leaving the house for a few hours to go exercise, or do anything for that matter that isn't child- or family-based.  In my head, I can't do anything that would end up letting someone down, so I usually don't feel I can actually justify taking time out for ME.  You're being selfish!  Tsk Tsk! Shame on you! 

This group is my "excuse"... after all, it's for church right?!  So my subconscious can't look down her nose at me.  Aha!  It allows me to give myself permission to take care of me for a while.  And quite frankly, I need to do more of that.  I need to learn to be a little selfish...to take a day off and go to see my "female Dr." because I'm ashamed to say I can't remember the last time I went...and that's just plain stupid at my age.  I need to start making the time...and taking the time...to take care of ME.  That includes exercise, and rest.  I'm so exhausted most of the time.

I have to take care of ME! 

I don't know why I feel the urge to cry when I write those words.  The guilt floods through me like I'm letting everyone down if I'm not readily available and ever-present, unless I'm working one of my jobs, or serving the church in some way.  I don't dare chase my dreams, or pursue my own desires... I have a family and I have to put myself on the back-burner!  If I want to take time to go walk for exercise or do something good for me, I feel as if it's as bad as sin, like I'm slacking and not holding up my end of things.  Like I'm being selfish. 
The fact of the matter is...if I don't lose weight, get healthier and start taking better care of ME, then I'm not going to be around for much longer.  My health will eventually begin to fail...I'm already on the brink of really starting to go downhill...and how much help am I going to be to my kids and husband if I'm gone??  And while I completely know it's all true, I'm still sitting here feeling guilty about even thinking about it!

So I'm grateful for this Run for God Group, because I DO feel extremely motivated...and I DON'T feel the guilt. (well, maybe a little, but hey, it's for church...so it's okay!)  Is it because I'm part of a group and not just exercising by myself?  Do I feel more like I'm serving and less like I'm slacking or taking away from my family?  I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm going to take full advantage of the opportunity and see what I can do with it. 

So say a little prayer for me that my body will adjust.  I hurt.  I'm not letting it stop me though.  I sort of feel as if this is my last shot.  My last chance to lose weight, to rescue my health before it tips over the side and plunges beyond the point of no return, my last chance to save my sanity from my crazy life, my last chance to have a goal, a dream and actually achieve it..... my last chance to save what's left of ME....because if I don't, it feels as if there will be nothing left of Kim inside....I'll just belong to everyone else around me.  I'll have given it all away.  Everyone will have a little piece of me, but there will be nothing of me left inside. 

Is this just me, or are there other mom's out there who can relate to this?  Let me hear from you!  And by all means, if you're looking for permission to take a break and do something good for you, JOIN ME.  You can run, you can walk but take a break and do something good for you. Come join our group if you're interested, or if you're not in the area, do it on your own!  Because there really are a whole lot of people counting on you, and it's downright overwhelming, isn't it?!  So if you don't step away once in a while, you'll burn out and fizzle into nothingness and you won't be good for anyone. 

If you are interested in joining the group, by all means, let me know...all are welcome!