Forcing Socialization

Let me say once again... I'm no expert.  I have nothing that qualifies me to give "expert advice" on raising a child with autism except that I happen to be doing just that.  But that's where you can draw the line.  And remember the popular saying, "If you have met one person with autism...you have met one person with autism."  Every individual on the spectrum is unique.  So that said...take my following "advice" with a grain of salt and just know your own kid.  What works for mine won't necessarily work for yours.  

It's been difficult to find time to write.  Last week was busy because it was Vacation Bible School at our church, Amazing Wonders Aviation.  It was an enlightening week for me as I watched Eli in this environment, and I think I have come to some important decisions about some choices I have been struggling with regarding Middle School (two years away).

But first, before I get to that, let me give a bit of Kudos where it's due.... our VBS is awesome! We generally pull in 70+ kids for the week.  Our event planner, Jodi, does an amazing job.  She's meticulous, organized, thinks every possible little thing through, plans out every minute detail for six consecutive days down to the last possible cookie needed....she does a great job!  

The VBS days of my childhood were filled with a little bible study and doing a craft project, usually consisting of cinnamon sticks, ribbons and glue, to take home to mama.  I think I remember us singing a song about the books of the bible at the end of the week for the parents.  That's all I remember about the VBS of my childhood.  Yawn.

Jodi, on the other hand, plans out and organizes a six day program for our kids that would put any event planner to shame!  I don't think anyone realizes the amount of time and energy that goes into the preparing for VBS!  She makes it an all out performance with music and video and dancing and singing and stations and games and valuable teachings and snacks and water play, not to mention the big to-do that occurs on the last night!  Surely our children are going to receive a lot more worthwhile memories of their VBS experiences! 

Our worship leader for VBS is Jenn and she gives it her all!  She spends a month or more learning every song, every word, every movement, every dance step and then, with great energy, she leads our children as they learn the songs each night.  Jenn stands up there on stage twice a night, for six nights, and gets our kids pumped up and excited about Jesus! Then she ends every evening on a high note before they depart for home.  She dances and sings and gives of herself in such a positive way...the kids love her!  The kids love her sidekick, Dusty Twails, too!  Dusty has been played for the last three years by our beloved minister, Chris.  He's hilarious, loses himself in the role, dances, sings, acts silly and takes such pleasure in connecting with the children, who are delighted with the silliness and fun he brings to VBS!  What a wonderful experience for these children!

There are too many other folks to mention all by name but we have a lot of volunteers who give their All during the week in order to make the event a wonderful success. People who give their time, money and talents, who connect with our children and give them such love and positive experiences.  And so many other members of the congregation who donate supplies.  It's truly a "whole church" event!

You would think with such an amazing event that our church puts on year after year, summer after summer, Eli would remember and be more than happy to go!  But this is Eli we're talking about...our little man who doesn't care to leave the house.  When told it was time to go to VBS, I got a lot of, "Noooo!!!  I don't want to go to VBS!  Nooooo!!!!"   

Like anything that involves leaving the house - if it's not something of his own choosing, we have to force the issue with him.

Essentially we have to force Eli to socialize.

The lesson included popping a balloon to get the piece of paper inside.
Eli didn't want to pop his balloon. Here he's protecting it.

Clearly we have to make smart choices when it comes to forcing Eli to go do something he's resisting, and we have had to learn to pick our battles.  We try not to force him into situations where his lack of wanting to go will negatively effect him or other people.  No need to cause a meltdown. No need to ruin someone else's good time.

But we know from experience that Eli will have a blast if he goes to VBS.  He comes home every evening with fun stories, telling me what a great time he had.  It's a joy to hear him walking in the door with his big brother after another evening, laughing about something funny that happened!

Eli enjoyed running backwards to make his wand emit large bubbles. 

  Eli has fun with the other kids and enjoys laughing with them, but I do still see how he keeps himself apart from them too.  


He quite often chooses to stand apart from them ... that is, until he chooses to join them.  I don't force him to join, but let him do it at his own pace, in his own time.  But at least he's in a place where he is being given the opportunity to join in when he's ready.  


And last week, watching him, it occurred to me... he seems happy in both places!  When he stands apart, he seems content.  When he chooses to join in, he seems well accepted and has a good time, too.  It's such a comfort after the early years of no friendships.  It's a blessing.  

Sometimes I feel like Ferdinand the Bull's Mother... 

"His mother saw that he was not lonesome, and because she was an understanding mother......

she let him just sit there and be happy."
(The story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf) 

Eli's favorite night of VBS was the final night with the giant inflatable
water slide.  Here he is climbing up to take his turn.

If E had his way, he would stay home all the time.  He wouldn't have to go out into the world.  He could just stay in the house, wearing his hoodie sweatshirts, holding Monkey, watching cartoons and waiting for his next time slot to play video games.

He wouldn't be forced to go to school.  He wouldn't be forced to go to church.  

He wouldn't be forced to go to anywhere he didn't choose to go...in other words, 

any place he didn't deem "fun"!

Waiting in line for the giant water slide.  What a smile!

I think this realization alone is helping me to lean toward keeping him in public school, and lean away from online home-schooling.  

Fun but freezing!  Eli spent a lot of the time
wrapped in a towel trying to warm up in the sun.

Eli needs those interactions with friends!  I don't want him to lose those skills, simply because he would choose not to leave the house.  As it is right now, those times when he decides he's ready to interact with other kids, he is accepted.  He's learning social cues and interaction skills, and those are so important for any kid...but especially for one on the spectrum!  Eli's already got enough eccentricities which, as he ages, will begin to set him apart from those who are unfamiliar with him.  Helping him now to learn how to appropriately interact with his peers, and providing him with the opportunity to develop relationships with other children who accept him as he is.... there's just no way I'm willing to take that away from him.


Eli's favorite parts of this year's VBS was the big to-do on the last night, with a slip-n-slide and the giant water slide from Athens Inflatables.  Plus, Chris gave him a plastic, blow-up airplane on the last night, which has become a favorite toy.




Eli has also enjoyed reliving several funny moments from the week and has laughed and laughed.  This brings me great happiness, because...well, if you've ever heard Eli's laughter, you would understand.  It just fills a room with joy!

Some of Eli's favorite stories from this year's VBS involved the child who announced into the microphone one evening that she'd farted, which amused most people, but seriously cracked Eli up.  Another child was caught eating the wet cement they used to make their stepping stones project. When he was told he couldn't eat the cement, he smacked his lips and proclaimed, "...but it's good!"  Eli has laughed and laughed about those stories and derived such hilarity from both instances that, for him, it was those moments that made leaving the house all the more worthwhile to him!

Personally, I see the irony...I could totally see a younger Eli doing both of those things.  Definitely.

  

First Bath - Memorial Day Weekend Part 1

This past weekend was Memorial Day Weekend.  It was hot and sticky, but a totally glorious three-day weekend!! 

On Saturday, Eli had a plan. "Mom," he said to me. "Sami needs a bath.  She stinks, Mom.  Can we please give her a bath?"  

Now, I don't actually smell the dog.  I mean, she smells like a dog of course, but I don't find her offensive.  

Eli, on the other hand, with his super-nose and ability to be over-sensitized by the sensory-world surrounding him, has been complaining for a few weeks now that the dog stinks.  

I really like his initiative!  And since we do what we can to help him learn how to cope with life in general, this was a great opportunity to problem-solve!  If the dog smells and you don't like it, this is how you can take care of the problem.....  

And therefore a bath for Sami ensued late Saturday morning....

Eli was all about helping too!  He wasn't leaving it all up to me!  He wanted it done and was willing to step up to do it...he just needed me there for guidance and instruction.  God Love Him, he's such a great kid!  

Eli gathered up the towels and got stuff ready. He was so excited! We got the water run at the right temperature - not too hot, not too cold.  We led Sami to the bathroom like a lamb to slaughter, but after her initial freakout, she relaxed and seemed fine after once she was in the tub; and she actually seemed to enjoy the experience overall!  

Eli giving Sami her first real bath - May 26, 2012

For the remainder of the weekend Sami was all about walking into the bathroom and sniffing the tub, looking into the tub, licking the tub, and wagging at the tub.  I don't know how she'll feel about it when she's full-grown.  I hope she still likes it because once she's a Big Dog, because there's no way I'll be able to force her or lift her into the tub!  It would be great if she still likes the process and willingly steps into the tub for me! 

Sami patiently allowing herself to be washed

Sami REALLY liked the rub down with all the towels after the bath.  She laid there and enjoyed the attention and rolled over so we could dry her belly.  She was all bundled up and cozy and cute!  

Sami's favorite part was drying off.
She got all snuggly in the the towels!

After we freed her from the towels, she got the "Rips"... where she's so excited, she just RIPS around the house at breakneck speed, racing round and round until she wears herself out.  Eli laughed and laughed and called her a "Crazy Dog"!

She must smell better now.  I haven't heard him complain about her stinking since Saturday morning! 

I plan to get Eli trained well and maybe that's something he can do for her every couple of weeks or so as part of his chores.  

I wonder how long it will take before the novelty wears off and it becomes another, 

"Aw mom...do I have to?!" chore??

School's Out For Summer (almost!)

Eli has one more day of fourth grade to go!  Tomorrow is the last day of school . While he's celebrating and looking forward to those "long" summer days that stretch out before him....which actually pass rather quickly.... I'm feeling tearful that we have to leave behind Mrs. Mostamazingteacherever.  

And I think Eli has trouble with change?!?!

Ah well....all good things will come to an end.  God willing, next year will be a blessing for him too.  We did get a letter from the school yesterday indicating that Eli is eligible for the Honors Math Class they are creating. 

Wait...what?  My son?  The one who rolled around on the floor lamenting "It's Too Hard" and "I can't dooooo it!!" for an hour and a half while trying to do his math homework for the first three to four months of school this year???  An Honors Math Class?  Are you sure?

According to his OAA and MAP scores and a few other scores and grades they took into consideration, he certainly qualifies.  There's definitely a brilliant mind in that little red head and behind that ornery smile...never doubt it!  It's just a matter of convincing him to make the effort.

For the past two school years Eli has been eligible for the Talented and Gifted Program in Reading.  

Unfortunately, "eligible" does NOT equal "willing".  

He fought us tooth and nail about participating until we threw up our hands and said, "...then don't!"  See, he doesn't see it as an honor or something to feel good about.  Eli sees it as extra work and a mess up of his regular daily routine, so therefore in his mind, it's a negative thing.

Yesterday, I read the letter to him and explained what an honor it is to be so smart that you get to be in an HONORS class, and Wow! he must have scored so high on his tests, and blah blah blah, just trying to get through to him what it meant and how it was a big deal and a good thing, not a punishment.  I want this child to stop telling me that school is boooooooring.  He needs to be challenged, find school fun, and develop a fascination for discovering new things, because it's about to get a lot harder, and I'm desperately afraid we're going to lose him all together in the years to come.

He sat for a bit and listened to me.  He blinked at me.  He stared at me.  Finally, I said, "Look Buddy....there are so many things you're going to struggle with ... but then you're going to start realizing that there are OTHER things that you are going to be so much better at than most other people, and those are the things that you need to grab hold of with both hands and don't let go!"  I held up the letter...."THIS is one of those things!"

He blinked at me again and finally said, "Okay...I'll do Honors Math Class next year."

Gasp!!

Praying this is a turning point.  If we can help him to get interested in his academics and help him to build the desire to achieve, and work toward things on his own, to find a passion for learning and for doing really well, without forcing him to, without us being the "slave-drivers" and "homework enforcers".... oh, the possibilities that will open for him, just as it does for all children who discover a sense of self-initiative!  I am so keeping my fingers crossed!

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So...Farmers Market was awesome!  No pictures due to a dead phone.  Next time we go, I'll make sure my phone is charged up...I'd accidentally left it in my purse overnight, so no juice! 

Overall, the whole family seemed to enjoy the experience.  I showed Ash the strawberries.  I said, "See Ash...this is what size strawberries are really supposed to be, not those huge ones we get at the store."  Ash smirked and said, "I like my strawberries genetically engineered!", nodding and looking all smug and amused with himself.  

Then he tasted the REAL strawberries, fresh out of the field, at home later that day.  Now Ash is singing a different tune!  He didn't know they could be so sweet!  Yay!  Score one for Real Food!

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Tomorrow: Saturday's Adventure

Tomorrow, the whole family is going - for the first time - to the local Farmer's Market to buy our food groceries.  I'm so excited I can't stand it!  I wanna go NOW!  I'm trying so hard to get back on this bandwagon of healthier eating and eating mostly REAL food.... I keep falling off because processed garbage is so much easier.  And tastes so good. But I'm not giving up!!!!  So off to the Farmer's Market we go! 

I told the boys they could each have money to go buy things for themselves, as long as it's REAL FOOD.  

Ash immediately wondered aloud, "I hope they have REAL CANDY!"  

Sigh.  Do ya think he's missing the point?

So I altered my offer a bit to encourage them in the right direction.... You can buy some real food candy - if that even exists - but not until you find at least one real food that you are willing to eat, or at least try.  I'm trying to expand their minds here!  I don't care if it's a fruit, a veggie, cheese, bread, nuts, meat...I don't care!  As long as they find it themselves and are willing to give it a shot! I want them to share the joy of trying something new and of being a part of the process.  

Ash is generally open to trying any new foods.  Eli, on the other hand, really struggles with even being willing to taste anything new.  The first time we offered him ice cream (several years back), he fought us tooth and nail about even tasting it!  We remind him of that all the time, and he's really quite tired of hearing the story.  But hey!  It gets the point across!  Once he finally tried the ice cream, he was instantly in love with it!  Of course he was!  It was ICE CREAM!  Veggies are a different story of course.  He won't eat ranch dressing, or I'd coax him with dipping things in ranch.  Personally, I think if he TRIED ranch, he'd like it, but hey...what do I know!? 

I would very much like to get Eli on board with this whole "healthier eating" thing.  It's a hard enough struggle going from easy food to real food.... but when you put all that time and effort into preparing something, only to have the one kid, who you really, really need to convert, turn up his nose and gag... well, man, it just takes the wind right out of my sails. 

So that's why I'm dragging the whole family with me tomorrow!  I want it to be a fun outing!  I want it to be SO MUCH fun to Eli that the idea of buying his own new, real food to try suddenly seems like a great time and a wonderful idea!!!

Wish us luck!  I'm very hopeful to get pictures and have my next post be a completely positive and uplifting tale of progress made!!!  

Stay tuned...............