Strong Love

(Author's Note -- Thank you once more for all the votes on Babble.com's Top Autism Blogs.  If you read, and you haven't voted, please consider doing so...just hit the badge to the right, scroll down to find Eli's World (last I knew we were at #15) and click on the thumb's up LIKE symbol to vote. 

Additional note -- Life has been a bit crazy and finding time to write has taken a back seat quite often.  It's taken 3 or 4 days to get this blog written and posted in my "free time"...whatever that is.  Bear with me!  I didn't start out writing this with an intended connection to motherhood, but as we enter into this Mother's Day weekend it occurred to me how fitting a topic this turned out to be!  Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there, who have experienced Strong Love in ways only a Mother can fully comprehend.)

Since Sami has come on the scene at our house, I have noticed several things. 

Sami - May 2012

First, Eli is experiencing the emotion of STRONG LOVE for the first time.

Secondly, Eli is altering his routines to accommodate Sami.  These are the same routines, by the way, that he has created for himself which are set in stone and SHALT NOT BE ALTERED!

And thirdly, Sami is developing some routines of her own!  And they too SHALT NOT BE ALTERED!

Strong Love....wow, it can really change a person.  Think of how many ways you change when you fall in love with someone and it's fresh and new...the lengths you are suddenly willing to go to for him or her.  How you're willing to try new things you might not have considered doing before, simply because the one you love enjoys it!

If you're a parent you'll completely understand the level of emotion that I am referring to ... think about the intensity of love you experienced when your first child was born, how you never knew it was possible to love THAT MUCH...how you could barely take your eyes away from his face...how you memorized her features...how you knew her cry from all the other babies in the nursery, even before you reached the room... how you couldn't remember what in the world your life was like, or what you even did, before he was born!  And you would never go back!  Wouldn't change a thing!  How you will sacrifice everything you have, everything you are, just for that baby, because you love him that much!  Strong love.  It will overwhelm you, and you welcome it with open arms.

I've interpreted some of the research information I've read as saying that some kids with autism are thought to be unable to experience emotions ... or at least in a way that we would typically recognize as how people react.  Some of our kids will stare blankly at you with a deadpan face when you are hoping for an emotional response, any response, from them at all, and when they don't react the way we think they should, well...we really don't know what to do with that, do we. Some you can't touch or hug without causing a serious upset. 

I personally don't like to say that those affected on that level are "unable to have emotion" however, because no one entirely knows what is really going on in those beautiful, unique minds.  They may be filled with emotion on the inside that just never reaches those who are watching on the outside - at least in a way we are programmed to recognize. 

Maybe these children simply cannot express what they are feeling in a way that we're capable of comprehending, but who are we to say they CAN'T feel it, you know?  Sure it may not be the way we think they should feel it...but I bet there's all sorts of feeling going on in there.  Otherwise why would they react to strongly to sensory overloads and such?  To me, that has to be emotion-fueled.  But I'm not a Dr, not a research assistant, not a lab tech or a scientific journal author.  I'm just a mom.

Imagine not being able to comprehend facial cues 

 Eli doesn't struggle with feeling his own emotions as much as some others.  He certainly is openly able to feel them, but he does struggle with how to appropriately express the emotions he's feeling. 

He also continues to struggle with facial cues on other people's faces, with recognizing what emotions they are experiencing, with reading how another person, outside of himself, is feeling.  This was one of his suggested therapies, but there are limited resources in our area and no financial help for what is available.  Unfortunately we can't pay hundred and hundreds out of pocket, he doesn't qualify for help through the school (didn't score low enough) and so we do what we can at home to help him.  But that's a whole other post....  

Needless to say, he would benefit from being able to better SEE people's faces and understand that the person is getting upset with him, or that a person is happy, that a person is feeling sad today, or that a person is already angry, so maybe now isn't the best time to be really sarcastic when talking with them. 

I've always been profoundly grateful that Eli is "touchable" and hug-able and that - even though we continue to work on appropriate responses - he is fully capable for expressing his anger, his amusement, his disappointment, his sadness and such. 

I love to be able to touch and hold him!  I love nothing more than to hold his little body against mine as we snuggle in the big, blue chair!  I swear I can just feel his sweetness!  I love to kiss his hair and forehead and hold him in my arms.  You can just feel that he's precious!!  I know I won't always be able to do this....I'm trying to get my fill now. 

I know Eli loves me too - in fact I never tire of hearing, "I love you, Mama!" in his little voice - but I am witnessing him really experience this STRONG LOVE for the first time for Sami.  In the 6 1/2 weeks we've had her, I've noticed an increase in his maturity, his willingness to stop what he's doing and take the dog out, because he doesn't want her to fail by having an accident in the house.  He's not baby-talking AS much as he once did, unless he's cooing to her what a sweet baby she is, or telling her what a pretty girl she is, or what a good girl she is. And even that is more sweet-talking than baby-talking.

At bedtime, Eli and Sami BOTH insist on her being in bed with him for a while.  It's not as important that Mommy stays in the room to snuggle now...as long as Sami is there, it's okay...you can go Mom!  And that's okay!  I rather enjoy being able to go in and kiss and hug him, maybe talk for a moment and say prayers, then be able to leave without being clung to, held on to, have to physically remove my clothing from his curled fingers, get called back three times for "just one more hug".... nope, Sami is there so Mom is free to go back to what she was doing before bedtime tuck-in!  That kinda rocks!  Thank you Sami!

The mornings are developing their own routine as well.  Sami absolutely MUST enter Eli's room and get up on the bed with him before it's time to get up.  Half the time she wakes him - trust me, he does not mind - by crawling up and either laying or sitting on his head.  The other morning I had to enter his room to retrieve clothing.  Eli was headed to a Dr. appt. that day with Daddy and was able to sleep in, so I ATTEMPTED to keep Sami out of the room so she wouldn't wake him up. She'd followed me to the door enthusiastically, but I turned and blocked her way when I entered and closed the door behind me, leaving her in the hallway.

Oh my GOSH!  

You would have thought the world was coming to an end the way that dog carried on!  She managed to wake Eli anyway and he sleepily mumbled, "Hi Sami". 

I whispered, "She's not in here honey, I didn't want her to wake you...."   Big Duh...she'd probably awakened the folks in the next house!  So I ended up letting her in, and they had their snuggle time anyway.

Most mornings, this is "Stop #1"  for Eli

Eli has even been willing to alter his set-in-stone morning routine for Sami...instead of getting up and going to the green chair (normal Stop #1 after leaving the bedroom), he's been willing to lay in bed with her, skip the green chair altogether, and then go straight to the breakfast table, simply because "...but Sami isn't as comfortable snuggling in the green chair now, because she's growing bigger.  She can't get as comfy like when she was smaller, so we'll stay in bed until 6 a.m. and then I'll go straight to the table, okay?"  Um...okay!

That's a sacrifice he's willing to make.

He's told me on numerous occasions how much he loves her.  I see the patience he shows her, the affection he showers upon her, the forgiveness he extends to her!  That alone expresses the strong love he feels for her!  Compassion, mercy, ... what better way to express love?! 

Eli often struggles to recover from the hurt and anger of being "wronged".... he's pretty good at holding a grudge!  Occasionally a considerable amount of time will pass before Eli's even open to the thinking about the possibility of maybe, eventually, getting around to forgiving someone for something they have done.  He's rather stay mad for a little while. Or a long time even.

But with Sami...it doesn't seem to matter what she does.  We often hear, "It's okay!  She didn't mean it.  I'm alright.  It was an accident."  I bet his brother Ash wishes he would be granted that leniency once in a while!  No one bears the brunt of Eli's grudges as much as big brother Ash!

Strong love is pretty incredible.  Eli and I talked of it the other night. He had just finished telling me once again how precious Sami was to him. So I spent time verbalizing to him what it was he was experiencing.  I wanted to say it out loud to him so he had a definition of this new emotion he was feeling inside, so he would have a reference of it for the future.  I will continue to make verbal connections to this Strong Love emotion for him, so he can remember the experience, the way it feels inside, the words I use to describe it, so that he can file those connections away until he needs them again in the future. 

I know he loves me that much too...maybe even more... but I've always been in his life.  I'm not "new", so he really doesn't have a sense of how deep his love runs there.  Do any of us though, when love has become comfortable and familiar?  We take if for granted, don't we. Perhaps in that there's another lesson for us all to learn. 

Hmmm...things to ponder..... Happy Mother's Day