Random worries

I'm exhausted today.  Might be the weather.  Might the upcoming full moon.  Might be the 3 a.m. trips to the yard every morning that I'm required to take so the puppy can "piddle", as my Grandma used to say.  Might be all of those.  Might also be that my mind is worrying over things to come.

As Eli was trying to wake up,
Sami jumped up to snuggle with him 

I try not to worry.  I really do.  I'm a firm believer that God is firmly in control, and if you fall to your knees and hand it all UP, you can walk away from it and it will resolve itself in the way it's supposed to.  I know it to be true as I have witnessed it over and over.  It may be a rough journey, but in that there is a purpose.  It may be a painful transition, but in that there is a purpose.  There are lessons to be learned, skills to be honed and knowledge to be gained in every possible event in our lives.  I lean on God through it all and trust that it is as it should be.

So why do I still worry?

I know exactly why...and it's not because I'm doubting that God has a firm hand on everything.  I worry about ME!  I worry that I've missed my cue, dropped the ball, failed to notice or understand my role or my job, that I will have ignored my responsibility in a matter that I should have been on top of, and therefore everything will fall apart because I didn't hold up my end of the stick. It would have gone according to God's plan, if I hadn't screwed it all up.

A smart woman would recognize that she doesn't have the power to mess up God's Plan in the first place.  A smart woman would say, "Yes, Kim...and if it did fall apart, then that was how it was supposed to unfold in the first place, and therefore you still should not worry."  My heart knows this, but my head can't seem to get itself wrapped around that very well.  Somewhere along the line my fear of failure has grown into its own entity.

I'm not sure how I ended up like this, thinking I have to be the fixer of the world, responsible for the world, on top of everything in the world.... at least in my little corner of the world.  Well, scratch that, I sort of know how... somewhere along the way, I said yes to ... "something"...no idea what, but "something".... and ever since then, all eyes have been on me expecting me to be in charge.  Someone decided I was responsible, reliable and dependable, and it snowballed from there.  Now I have to be on top of everything for everyone so that no one misses anything and everything gets done, or it will be my fault and I will have failed.

At least that's how it feels.  And it hurts.  It's overwhelming.  But if I don't continue to follow through then I will have let everyone down.  They'll all turn those accusing, disappointed eyes on me and I'll have guilt and no one to blame but me for nothing going right.  I can't live with that, so I keep on making sure I'm on top of everything.  I mean, really...what else can I do?!  There are no other options.

As a result, I'm constantly thinking about what's coming up in the future.  Planning.  Organizing.  And yes, worrying about certain things.

Today it began to dawn on me that this school year is passing quickly.  There are about 8 weeks remaining of this school year.  While the children celebrate this news, I begin to think about what that means for Eli.  It means that, in less than two months, he'll leave behind the most wonderful teacher he's ever had. 

(That in itself is enough to push me to the edge of tears!)  

It means that at the end of August he, and we, will have to start all over again, adjusting to a new school year, to new teachers, new classrooms, new rules, new schedule. 

(That in itself is enough to drain every ounce of energy from me.) 

The thought of playing "Finnegan Begin Again" leaves me emotionally tired.  Starting over again explaining Eli's needs, his quirks and eccentricities, his 504 plan, how they need to let him know, and let us know as well, if there's going to be a substitute so we can all work to prepare him in advance. We just try not to catch him off guard with a sub in the classroom or it can get ugly at times.  Preparing him in advance has been very helpful in making sure he, and the sub, have a good day.

And what about in two years when we're facing Middle School?  That's an entirely different environment, and it's not safe.  Not for Eli.  The teachers are not involved and nurturing like the ones in elementary school.  How can they be?  The environment isn't set up for that kind of care and compassion!  They have ALL the children from five different elementary schools in this district cycling through their classrooms like a processing plant.  They have curriculum to process and teach.  They don't have time to understand their students, and it's not really their fault.  They have information they have to get out there and limited time to accomplish it. There is not going to be room for shenanigans.

They aren't going to have the patience to put up with one kid's antics, OUR kid's antics, in their classrooms because he's not feeling comfortable with the constant changing of classes, the packed hallways, the noise and jostling.  They aren't going to understand misbehavior due to anxiety brought on by the pressure of having to get from one class to the next in a 3 minute time span, and you better not be late.  That sort of pressure will freak Eli out.  Nor will anyone be able relate to the sensory overload from the 40 lb backpack he'll have to tote around all day because they don't allow enough time in between classes to make a stop at your locker and still make it on time to your next class.  Nor is there enough time to go to the bathroom.  These poor teachers are not going to accept that Eli disrupts their classes and then 5 minutes later he has no recollection of doing so.  How could they possibly understand that?  They'll think he's lying.  They won't believe that he really forgot.  And he won't believe them when they accuse him of whatever he did.

And how am I supposed to protect my child from these experiences?  How is Eli supposed to succeed in that environment?  Do you really think he is going to be permitted to move his desk every day into a "safe zone" in every classroom at the middle school, the way he's allowed to now at the elementary school?  Ugh!  Yes, this is two years away but yes, I'm already worrying.  In fact, it makes me sick to my stomach.

How do I protect him and
keep him safe?

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to fix this.  I don't know what to do.  Eli is coming to the end of the best school year he's ever had. His diagnosis in October has given us direction, the team (principal, school psychologist, etc.) at the elementary school has been so wonderful about working with us, and with E to make it possible for him to succeed.

But above all, I credit his magnificent teacher for his "best year ever".  She has loved him as he is from the start.  She has met him where he is and worked with his strengths, and found ways to work around his struggles.  She has given him the freedom to discover new coping strategies for himself and put them into place.  The result has been been glorious!  And he loves her soooo much!  For the next two years, her knowledge and all the progress we all have made this year will be passed along and I trust he'll continue to be cared for, worked with, nurtured ... safe....at least through sixth grade.

Then everything will change. "Finnegan Begin Again", but even more so.  But I don't even know what to expect or what I'm supposed to do.  I've looked into online schooling briefly.  Eli is willing, but is that the right choice?  Removing him from socialization opportunities?  It doesn't really feel right.  But then again, it feels safe...is safe not right?

I feel blessed that we have two years to figure this out.  I am still leaning on You, God, because I know You will make sure things go according to Your Plan, but I need to understand my role.  I need to know what I'm supposed to do because I can't bear to have Eli coming home miserable and freaked out every day from negative experiences.  I don't want to start having phone calls from the school several times a week because Eli can't keep it together in the classroom. I don't want to back slide in middle school after he's made leaps and bounds during the last three years of elementary.

So I will try to not worry.  I have time to figure out my role and responsibility.  After all, think how much has changed in just the last 6 months!  Who knows how much can change in the next two years!  And just like that, I can put the worry away for the night, and maybe go get some sleep.  But I remain determined to find a way to protect my baby from that environment.  Who else will?