Big Brother's Birthday

I'm always on here bragging about Eli and what a great kid he is and how proud I am of him.  

Today, it's Ash's turn.

Today is big brother Ash's Birthday - he's 15 years old!  He's such a wonderful guy!  I'm so proud to be able to make the claim that "I'm Ash's Mom".  No one else can make that claim...I own it, and I feel so honored!   

I'm Ash's Mom.  

 Oh, it sends pure joy through my very soul! 

Alexis and Ash, May 2012

Ash humbles and blesses me on a daily basis because he is such a good person.  I know Ben and I have done a lot to ensure we raise our boys right, but I still think a lot of Ash's really good qualities just naturally come from within him.  I think it's just "who Ash is"...and I love him so much for his "old soul", his humor, his sense of chivalry, his intelligence and the fact that he has a really good head on his shoulders.

I watch him with Eli.  Sure, they have their moments where they both want to rip each others heads off, but what siblings don't?!  But I also see the patience Ash shows Eli and the compassion, the tolerance and understanding.  Because of his connection to Eli, Ash will be a more compassionate, tolerant man.  I see how difficult it can be for Ash at times and how he fights his own emotions at times in order to do what he knows is the right thing.  And I see the brotherly love they share.

The other night I listened to Ash and Eli giggling over a video game.  Just two brothers, openly laughing out loud and being together.  They were cracking themselves up and sharing the fun together. There was no autism in the room in that moment. Just two brothers, sharing hilarity and making fun memories for each other and with one another.  I was in the kitchen fixing dinner, listening and feeling my heart swell with love and hope and promise.  I raised a silent prayer of thanksgiving that Eli has his big brother Ash in his life.  Ash gives Eli so much that I could never give.

I am Ash and Eli's Mom.

There are no words to describe how I feel right now.

Saturday we'll take Ash's Birthday Celebration to Texas Roadhouse for dinner, along with Ash's sweet girlfriend Alexis.  Nothing screams PARTY like STEAK, as far as Ash is concerned. Of course the rest of the family was more than happy to join in a steak celebration!  Yum!

Happy Birthday, Ash. 
Thank you for being You.

Run For God, and a Break from Motherhood

I have joined a group from church called Run for God. 

Yes, you heard me.  I will probably be the one waaaaay in the back, walking for all she's worth, but I joined the group anyway.

Our pastor has a passion for running and is quite a talented, accomplished runner, in fact. From this passion of his, our group was "born".  The group is designed to connect people with a similar interests (running, exercise, healthier living, etc.) to one another and to Christ.

Our group meets on Wednesday evenings and we are working toward a 5K.  I suppose I'm so excited to be a part of this group for many, many reasons, but mostly because - as bad as it sounds - I finally feel like it gives me permission to take a break from motherhood once in a while and gives me an excuse to do something good for ME.

I don't know if I can fully articulate how difficult it is for me to even say that.  Take time for yourself?!  Gasp! Shameful!, my subconscious is horrified at the thought!

It might make sense to some other mothers as to why I have such guilt issues about leaving the house for a few hours to go exercise, or do anything for that matter that isn't child- or family-based.  In my head, I can't do anything that would end up letting someone down, so I usually don't feel I can actually justify taking time out for ME.  You're being selfish!  Tsk Tsk! Shame on you! 

This group is my "excuse"... after all, it's for church right?!  So my subconscious can't look down her nose at me.  Aha!  It allows me to give myself permission to take care of me for a while.  And quite frankly, I need to do more of that.  I need to learn to be a little selfish...to take a day off and go to see my "female Dr." because I'm ashamed to say I can't remember the last time I went...and that's just plain stupid at my age.  I need to start making the time...and taking the time...to take care of ME.  That includes exercise, and rest.  I'm so exhausted most of the time.

I have to take care of ME! 

I don't know why I feel the urge to cry when I write those words.  The guilt floods through me like I'm letting everyone down if I'm not readily available and ever-present, unless I'm working one of my jobs, or serving the church in some way.  I don't dare chase my dreams, or pursue my own desires... I have a family and I have to put myself on the back-burner!  If I want to take time to go walk for exercise or do something good for me, I feel as if it's as bad as sin, like I'm slacking and not holding up my end of things.  Like I'm being selfish. 
The fact of the matter is...if I don't lose weight, get healthier and start taking better care of ME, then I'm not going to be around for much longer.  My health will eventually begin to fail...I'm already on the brink of really starting to go downhill...and how much help am I going to be to my kids and husband if I'm gone??  And while I completely know it's all true, I'm still sitting here feeling guilty about even thinking about it!

So I'm grateful for this Run for God Group, because I DO feel extremely motivated...and I DON'T feel the guilt. (well, maybe a little, but hey, it's for church...so it's okay!)  Is it because I'm part of a group and not just exercising by myself?  Do I feel more like I'm serving and less like I'm slacking or taking away from my family?  I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm going to take full advantage of the opportunity and see what I can do with it. 

So say a little prayer for me that my body will adjust.  I hurt.  I'm not letting it stop me though.  I sort of feel as if this is my last shot.  My last chance to lose weight, to rescue my health before it tips over the side and plunges beyond the point of no return, my last chance to save my sanity from my crazy life, my last chance to have a goal, a dream and actually achieve it..... my last chance to save what's left of ME....because if I don't, it feels as if there will be nothing left of Kim inside....I'll just belong to everyone else around me.  I'll have given it all away.  Everyone will have a little piece of me, but there will be nothing of me left inside. 

Is this just me, or are there other mom's out there who can relate to this?  Let me hear from you!  And by all means, if you're looking for permission to take a break and do something good for you, JOIN ME.  You can run, you can walk but take a break and do something good for you. Come join our group if you're interested, or if you're not in the area, do it on your own!  Because there really are a whole lot of people counting on you, and it's downright overwhelming, isn't it?!  So if you don't step away once in a while, you'll burn out and fizzle into nothingness and you won't be good for anyone. 

If you are interested in joining the group, by all means, let me know...all are welcome!

Visiting the Cemeteries - Memorial Day Weekend Part 2

I love Memorial Day Weekend.  I love the three days off, that turning-point feeling of Summer Has Arrived!!!!, the family time and the downtime.  I always am mindful to mentally honor our fallen Military troops on this day, who have given the ultimate sacrifice for our country...for you, and for me.  Thank you.  Thank you to the men and women who serve and to the families who have also sacrificed and suffer with pride and sorrow for their lost loved ones.

I am mindful this day is also a time to remember our own family members who have gone before us.  Memorial Day is a time for remembering...remembering our kin, our legacy, our history, our genealogy, our bloodlines, ... our memories.

Eli cleaning on his Grandma Emily's
headstone.  He never knew her, as she
died when he was only about 7 months old.

I want Memorial Day to mean more to my boys than just a long weekend.  So a few years back, we started a new tradition with the boys.  It's the day we remember our loved ones who have passed and honor them by checking on them.

It's the day we visit the cemeteries.

Only Ben's family is buried locally, so that's who we go to see.  (My family is buried in Washington Court House, Ohio, an hour and a half away and we haven't yet made that trek on Memorial Day Weekend ...but I long to, so perhaps next year I'll do better about planning it.)

Monday morning we loaded up the back of the CR-V with Clorox wipes, a bag of rags and four 1-gallon jugs of water and headed out.  First stop we made was at Memory Gardens, where Ben's mother, step-father, uncle and one set of grandparents are all buried.

We drove to the top of the farthest hill and stopped first at his mom's grave.  We all piled out and set about cleaning off the headstone.  It's hard for Ben to get up and down from the ground a lot because of his back problems, so Ash and Eli did most of our cleaning this Memorial Day.  Hi

Ben's step-father, Ralph, is buried here too.  It's wasn't in too bad of shape.  A little bird-poo, a little splattered mud and lots of grass clippings from where the grounds crew mows.  Because we go every year, though, it's well cared for and doesn't look neglected.  Eli never knew Ben's mom.  He was only a few months old when she passed.  Ash remembers her, but sadly, Emily never knew either of her grandchildren.  Early on-set Alzheimer's robbed her of this blessing.

Ash cleaning Grandma Emily's headstone.  

Ralph and Emily (McConkey, Brooks) Kail,
Ben's step-father and  Mother

Ash used to accompany Ben at the nursing home when he would go out to visit his mom.  Ash vaguely remembers her, but unfortunately only when she was ill.  Emily did not raise Ben for most of his childhood, and it makes my heart sad when I think how much she would have liked having grandsons, and how proud she would be of the good man Ben is.  I hope it honors her that we come to check on her and Ralph each year.

Eli and Ben scrubbing Uncle Ronnie's grave marker

Next, we moved over to Ben's uncle Ronnie's grave.  Ronnie was Ben's dad's brother and such a kind and good man. A severe car accident had left Ronnie scarred and broken, physically and emotionally, in his early adulthood.  He loved kids, but never had children of his own and Ben fondly remembers how he would be the only child in a house full of adults and it would be uncle Ronnie who would get down on the floor to play with and give some much appreciated attention to Ben when he was little.  He adored his uncle.  

   

Ben's paternal Grandparents -
Edward and Edna (Timson) Brooks

After we cleaned uncle Ronnie's headstone, we moved to a different section and located Grandma and Grandpa Brooks' grave. I never met Grandpa, but I grew up knowing Grandma Brooks, since Ben's cousin, Angie, and I were friends.

Grandma Brooks was a sweet, generous woman who learned about life during the Great Depression.  No matter how little she had, if you came into Grandma's house, she fed you.  She would have adored having great-grandsons!  She was a loving, giving woman and I wish our boys could have known her, but I feel blessed and honored that I at least knew this dear woman whom Ben loved.

At this point we left Memory Gardens and drove about 30 minutes to a little country cemetery in the Coolville area, located on a back-road off another back-road.  It's small and quaint and isolated.  This is where we visited Ben's Dad's grave.  The marker still hasn't been put in place, though it's been nearly a year and a half since he passed, so I have no photo of that one.  But we think we figured out which grave was his.  We didn't stay long, since there was nothing to clean, but I was still really glad we went there.  Hopefully by next year, the AMVETS will have the headstone, or plaque, in place.  

On our way out of the Coolville cemetery, Ben got stung by a bee on his wrist.  It flew off before we could identify it -- Ben never even saw the darn thing, but he sure felt it!  Because he has a tendency to react to stings, I always have Benedryl on hand.  Thankfully I had some in my purse, since the welt was quickly evident and you could see the area surrounding it (about the size of a baseball) beginning to redden and grow warm.  Thankfully again, we had drinks in the car, so he was able to take the Benedryl quickly and by the time we made the 30 minute trip back to town, the swelling was barely visible and the welt had shrunk down to hardly anything at all.  Whew!  Thank you Benedryl!

Ben cleaning Grandma &
Grandpa McConkey's headstone

Eli cleaned Grandpa McConkey's
military footstone

Last stop was the hardest.  As we returned to town, we went to the West Union Street Cemetery where Ben's maternal grandparents are buried.  These are the people who raised Ben from the time he was an infant until his teens. 

Grandma and Grandpa McConkey were who Ben considers to be his parents. He loved them so. 

I watched as Ben forced himself to get down on his knees and begin to clean their headstone himself.  It was a touching moment for me to see, knowing how physically straining it is for him to get down like that, and in doing so, he showed them such love and respect.  Grandpa died when Ben was around 13 or 14, and shortly afterward, Grandma was a passenger in a vehicle that was T-boned by another vehicle, causing her brain-damage.  She lived another 10 years in a nursing home, but was never the same.  Because she didn't know Ben anymore, he pretty much had lost her as well.  It was a painful loss for him, to lose both of these dear people so close together, and he was at such a young age. Makes my heart sad.

Arley and Sylvia (Robinette) McConkey,
Ben's maternal grandparents, and who raised him
from infancy to his teens.

After we cleaned their headstone and paid our respects, we headed home... a sense of accomplishment within us, a sense of family pride and a mild sense of sorrow...the kind that makes you sigh and smile gently.

I like that our boys are growing up doing this.  I hope one day when my spirit has moved on and my remains lie in the ground, that at least once a year, someone who once loved me will come to check on the spot where I lay; will sweep away the grass, wash away the bird-droppings and the dirt.  I hope they will continue this family tradition, and as they stand over my earthly body's resting place they will sigh and smile, and share some pleasant memories of days gone by.  And then I hope they head home to enjoy their weekend together, as a family, and make new memories of their own.

First Bath - Memorial Day Weekend Part 1

This past weekend was Memorial Day Weekend.  It was hot and sticky, but a totally glorious three-day weekend!! 

On Saturday, Eli had a plan. "Mom," he said to me. "Sami needs a bath.  She stinks, Mom.  Can we please give her a bath?"  

Now, I don't actually smell the dog.  I mean, she smells like a dog of course, but I don't find her offensive.  

Eli, on the other hand, with his super-nose and ability to be over-sensitized by the sensory-world surrounding him, has been complaining for a few weeks now that the dog stinks.  

I really like his initiative!  And since we do what we can to help him learn how to cope with life in general, this was a great opportunity to problem-solve!  If the dog smells and you don't like it, this is how you can take care of the problem.....  

And therefore a bath for Sami ensued late Saturday morning....

Eli was all about helping too!  He wasn't leaving it all up to me!  He wanted it done and was willing to step up to do it...he just needed me there for guidance and instruction.  God Love Him, he's such a great kid!  

Eli gathered up the towels and got stuff ready. He was so excited! We got the water run at the right temperature - not too hot, not too cold.  We led Sami to the bathroom like a lamb to slaughter, but after her initial freakout, she relaxed and seemed fine after once she was in the tub; and she actually seemed to enjoy the experience overall!  

Eli giving Sami her first real bath - May 26, 2012

For the remainder of the weekend Sami was all about walking into the bathroom and sniffing the tub, looking into the tub, licking the tub, and wagging at the tub.  I don't know how she'll feel about it when she's full-grown.  I hope she still likes it because once she's a Big Dog, because there's no way I'll be able to force her or lift her into the tub!  It would be great if she still likes the process and willingly steps into the tub for me! 

Sami patiently allowing herself to be washed

Sami REALLY liked the rub down with all the towels after the bath.  She laid there and enjoyed the attention and rolled over so we could dry her belly.  She was all bundled up and cozy and cute!  

Sami's favorite part was drying off.
She got all snuggly in the the towels!

After we freed her from the towels, she got the "Rips"... where she's so excited, she just RIPS around the house at breakneck speed, racing round and round until she wears herself out.  Eli laughed and laughed and called her a "Crazy Dog"!

She must smell better now.  I haven't heard him complain about her stinking since Saturday morning! 

I plan to get Eli trained well and maybe that's something he can do for her every couple of weeks or so as part of his chores.  

I wonder how long it will take before the novelty wears off and it becomes another, 

"Aw mom...do I have to?!" chore??

When it's special and means something



 A few weeks ago when Mother's Day was approaching, my sweet husband asked me what I wanted. 

Now, I don't know about you, but material things don't usually give me a thrill.  We're not rich.  We're not even "well-off", whatever that means.  When you ask me what I want, my mind goes blank. Our house is very small and I'm actually a few weeks away from doing a great big purge of our "stuff" as it is.  I don't need any thing. 

I need to lose a lot of weight.  I need more time at home.  I need more time to exercise and I need to feel more at peace and less frazzled.  I need to be able to wake up when my body and mind decides it's good and ready, not because the screeching alarm says it's time.  I need to have a really good grasp on what is the absolute best choice in academics for Eli.  I need confidence and wisdom.  I've only scratched the surface here on my list of needs. I have none of that, but the last time I checked you can't buy any of it or wrap it up in a box.

So as usual, I hem-hawed around and said a lot of, "I don't knows" and such. I asked for the boys to each buy me a box of my favorite pens -- Bic round stic Grip Fine point --a box of black and a box of blue, please.

Then, during the week leading up to Mother's Day, I was reading another autism mom's blog and she had mentioned and provided a link to The Jewel Box Studio, where the artist created and sold Autism Awareness jewelry pieces.   I followed the link and was so excited about the jewelry I saw that I told Ben, "I found what I want!" 


The brown side was what was advertised, but the white side is beautiful too, and I've worn it several times on both sides already.  Each necklace is an individual, there are no two alike.  It's a simple puzzle-piece outline against an abalone background. 

If you will remember the puzzle piece is the symbol of Autism.  I am so delighted with it because it means so much to me!  I can't think of a better Mother's Day Gift for me, because I take my role of being a Mom to a kid with Autism as an honor!  An honor that has been trusted to me directly from God the Father.  I don't take it lightly! 

Isn't it amazing when a piece of jewelry, or any other item for that matter, has deep, special, personal meaning to you??  Share with me something that means that much to you!  I would love to hear your stories. 

To someone who doesn't know, it's just a necklace.  But to me...to me it's a symbol of strength, a statement of courage, it's my medallion of hope...and oh, how I hope...I totally hope....that someone who doesn't know anything about Autism will say to me one day, "Hey...that's pretty, tell me about your necklace..." 

And I sure will!

School's Out For Summer (almost!)

Eli has one more day of fourth grade to go!  Tomorrow is the last day of school . While he's celebrating and looking forward to those "long" summer days that stretch out before him....which actually pass rather quickly.... I'm feeling tearful that we have to leave behind Mrs. Mostamazingteacherever.  

And I think Eli has trouble with change?!?!

Ah well....all good things will come to an end.  God willing, next year will be a blessing for him too.  We did get a letter from the school yesterday indicating that Eli is eligible for the Honors Math Class they are creating. 

Wait...what?  My son?  The one who rolled around on the floor lamenting "It's Too Hard" and "I can't dooooo it!!" for an hour and a half while trying to do his math homework for the first three to four months of school this year???  An Honors Math Class?  Are you sure?

According to his OAA and MAP scores and a few other scores and grades they took into consideration, he certainly qualifies.  There's definitely a brilliant mind in that little red head and behind that ornery smile...never doubt it!  It's just a matter of convincing him to make the effort.

For the past two school years Eli has been eligible for the Talented and Gifted Program in Reading.  

Unfortunately, "eligible" does NOT equal "willing".  

He fought us tooth and nail about participating until we threw up our hands and said, "...then don't!"  See, he doesn't see it as an honor or something to feel good about.  Eli sees it as extra work and a mess up of his regular daily routine, so therefore in his mind, it's a negative thing.

Yesterday, I read the letter to him and explained what an honor it is to be so smart that you get to be in an HONORS class, and Wow! he must have scored so high on his tests, and blah blah blah, just trying to get through to him what it meant and how it was a big deal and a good thing, not a punishment.  I want this child to stop telling me that school is boooooooring.  He needs to be challenged, find school fun, and develop a fascination for discovering new things, because it's about to get a lot harder, and I'm desperately afraid we're going to lose him all together in the years to come.

He sat for a bit and listened to me.  He blinked at me.  He stared at me.  Finally, I said, "Look Buddy....there are so many things you're going to struggle with ... but then you're going to start realizing that there are OTHER things that you are going to be so much better at than most other people, and those are the things that you need to grab hold of with both hands and don't let go!"  I held up the letter...."THIS is one of those things!"

He blinked at me again and finally said, "Okay...I'll do Honors Math Class next year."

Gasp!!

Praying this is a turning point.  If we can help him to get interested in his academics and help him to build the desire to achieve, and work toward things on his own, to find a passion for learning and for doing really well, without forcing him to, without us being the "slave-drivers" and "homework enforcers".... oh, the possibilities that will open for him, just as it does for all children who discover a sense of self-initiative!  I am so keeping my fingers crossed!

****************

So...Farmers Market was awesome!  No pictures due to a dead phone.  Next time we go, I'll make sure my phone is charged up...I'd accidentally left it in my purse overnight, so no juice! 

Overall, the whole family seemed to enjoy the experience.  I showed Ash the strawberries.  I said, "See Ash...this is what size strawberries are really supposed to be, not those huge ones we get at the store."  Ash smirked and said, "I like my strawberries genetically engineered!", nodding and looking all smug and amused with himself.  

Then he tasted the REAL strawberries, fresh out of the field, at home later that day.  Now Ash is singing a different tune!  He didn't know they could be so sweet!  Yay!  Score one for Real Food!

****************

Tomorrow: Saturday's Adventure

Tomorrow, the whole family is going - for the first time - to the local Farmer's Market to buy our food groceries.  I'm so excited I can't stand it!  I wanna go NOW!  I'm trying so hard to get back on this bandwagon of healthier eating and eating mostly REAL food.... I keep falling off because processed garbage is so much easier.  And tastes so good. But I'm not giving up!!!!  So off to the Farmer's Market we go! 

I told the boys they could each have money to go buy things for themselves, as long as it's REAL FOOD.  

Ash immediately wondered aloud, "I hope they have REAL CANDY!"  

Sigh.  Do ya think he's missing the point?

So I altered my offer a bit to encourage them in the right direction.... You can buy some real food candy - if that even exists - but not until you find at least one real food that you are willing to eat, or at least try.  I'm trying to expand their minds here!  I don't care if it's a fruit, a veggie, cheese, bread, nuts, meat...I don't care!  As long as they find it themselves and are willing to give it a shot! I want them to share the joy of trying something new and of being a part of the process.  

Ash is generally open to trying any new foods.  Eli, on the other hand, really struggles with even being willing to taste anything new.  The first time we offered him ice cream (several years back), he fought us tooth and nail about even tasting it!  We remind him of that all the time, and he's really quite tired of hearing the story.  But hey!  It gets the point across!  Once he finally tried the ice cream, he was instantly in love with it!  Of course he was!  It was ICE CREAM!  Veggies are a different story of course.  He won't eat ranch dressing, or I'd coax him with dipping things in ranch.  Personally, I think if he TRIED ranch, he'd like it, but hey...what do I know!? 

I would very much like to get Eli on board with this whole "healthier eating" thing.  It's a hard enough struggle going from easy food to real food.... but when you put all that time and effort into preparing something, only to have the one kid, who you really, really need to convert, turn up his nose and gag... well, man, it just takes the wind right out of my sails. 

So that's why I'm dragging the whole family with me tomorrow!  I want it to be a fun outing!  I want it to be SO MUCH fun to Eli that the idea of buying his own new, real food to try suddenly seems like a great time and a wonderful idea!!!

Wish us luck!  I'm very hopeful to get pictures and have my next post be a completely positive and uplifting tale of progress made!!!  

Stay tuned...............