Friday evenings, since the beginning of the school year, have been very difficult for Eli.
He's tired.
He's been super grouchy.
He's quick with the negative attitude, the whiny responses, and the sarcasm.
He's prone to meltdowns and over-reactions.
I get it. By the time Friday evening rolls around, I'm "done" with the week too!
I'm tired.
I'm cranky.
I'm not wanting any noise...I just want to have it be soft and relaxing.
I definitely and totally get it.
This morning, very aware that it was Friday again, I talked with Eli about a new approach I would like to take with him. I reminded him that the last month of Fridays have been ugly. I didn't want to have a repeat this evening, so how about we try something new?!
He looked at me, so I knew he was listening.
First I validated his emotions, saying I completely understood that he would be very tired from a long week, and from working so hard at school. I realized that it's a strain and that we all go through this feeling and that it makes perfect sense he would be feeling this way.
Then I asked if, this afternoon when Eli gets home from school, if he's feeling upset, angry, stressed, or just yucky in general, if he would be willing to just say it out loud to us, "I don't feel all that good right now!" as a reminder to help us know where he was right then. To help us meet him where he is.
I assured him that we would be understanding of his feelings, and help him in any way we could. I told him I realized he probably wouldn't be able to tell us EXACTLY what was upsetting him, or EXACTLY what he needed, but if he would just try to SAY it to us, it would help us to help be respectful of him. And if Eli was able to tell us what he needed us to do right then, for him, in order to help him, then definitely tell us!
Eli listened, and after I was done he was thoughtful for a moment. Then he said, "Okay" and that was the end of that conversation.
We shall see how things progress! I'm not expecting miracles right off the bat, but if we can start helping him learn how to express what he's going through and what his needs are, it will be a major blessing down the road and in the future!
About Me
- Mama Bee
- Ohio, United States
- My journey before and after bariatric surgery.
Showing posts with label Coping Strategies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Coping Strategies. Show all posts
Friday, September 14, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
1st Day of 5th Grade
School begins in just a few short hours. Blessedly, Eli is sleeping!
Mommy....is not.
The last couple weeks have been a transition for E, as he has come from "NO! NOT SCHOOL! NO NO NO NO NO NO....!!!" to "....shrug...I'm kinda ready, kinda not..." to "It'll be nice to see my friends again."
He doesn't want to talk about school. That's hard for me. To me, if there's a problem, then we need to sit down and talk it all out, so Eli can be heard and comforted and supported and encouraged.
Eli wants no part of that.
The autism prevents him from being able to wrap his head around specifically what is bothering him. He knows when he thinks about school that he's feeling yucky inside. But he can't pinpoint specifically what he's feeling anxious about and then put it into words to express what he is feeling, let alone why he's feeling that way.
But Eli's done a lot of internal preparation over the last two weeks on his own. He started out very nasty. Hateful, even. Verbally lashing out at immediate family members, screaming at the dog when she frustrated him, going from even-keel to instant anger and then, being so overwhelmed, that he's just shut down for an hour or more, sometimes hiding, sometimes just brooding and not talking but still in the same room. Eli's told us before that at times like this he just needs time and space....don't touch him, don't try to talk to him, just let him have the time he needs to calm down. So that's what we've tried to do.
Over the past five days or so, he's spent an impressive number of hours swinging on the porch swing, lost in "his game"... best I can describe His Game is that when he was little, and completely obsessed with Star Wars, he began a game in his head. He would run in circles on our bed and have this magnificent battle scene going on in his head. He would literally do this for an hour or more and you didn't dare interrupt him when he was immersed in his game or he would become intensely upset.
Needless to say, when we got a new bed last year, E was fairly devastated when he learned he would no longer be able to run in circles on it. But he's found other locations in which to play his game, and one of his favorites - at least during the warmer months - is to sit on the porch swing and lose himself entirely in the game.
His Game is a huge comfort to Eli...he loses himself completely in the world he has created. I'm not sure it's Star Wars any longer...I think it's progressed beyond that to detailed worlds and characters of his own creation, but I know there are still battles being waged from the sounds he makes. Over the past week, he's disappeared into His Game over and over to comfort himself and as a way to deal with the anxiety of the new school year. When Eli's here at home, he knows he is safe to go to that other world he has created. It's just a part of who Eli is, he knows he is accepted here.
Two new pair of soft jammies and a new bedtime routine of reading with 'Mimmy' (Mommy - me) have been a big comfort to him as well. The reading has become something he's insisting on, so we have had to make a time allotment for it. If it comforts and calms him, and helps him to sleep, then I'm fine with working it in. I wonder if it will last the entire school year or, once he settles in to 5th grade and the fear of the newness of it all begins to fade away, if he'll discard the reading time? It will be interesting to see what morning routines he establishes for himself to cope with a new school year. Will they be the same as last year's routines, or will they be new?
Will he continue to have sleepless nights? Or will the school days exhaust him so he can sleep as well as he used to?
I think my own anxiety and sleepless night is being fueled by these questions, but even more by, Will his teachers love, tolerate, help, and work with him as much as last year's teachers?
As always we will strive to take one day at a time and lean on The Father for our strength and endurance, and trust that we will be shown the way to proceed to help Eli learn the skills he needs to cope with everyday life and the world around him.
Right now, I'm going to proceed back to bed and see if I can manage 4 hours of sleep before the alarm screams at me. Keep my little man in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow as he begins his first day of 5th grade.
Mommy....is not.
The last couple weeks have been a transition for E, as he has come from "NO! NOT SCHOOL! NO NO NO NO NO NO....!!!" to "....shrug...I'm kinda ready, kinda not..." to "It'll be nice to see my friends again."
He doesn't want to talk about school. That's hard for me. To me, if there's a problem, then we need to sit down and talk it all out, so Eli can be heard and comforted and supported and encouraged.
Eli wants no part of that.
The autism prevents him from being able to wrap his head around specifically what is bothering him. He knows when he thinks about school that he's feeling yucky inside. But he can't pinpoint specifically what he's feeling anxious about and then put it into words to express what he is feeling, let alone why he's feeling that way.
But Eli's done a lot of internal preparation over the last two weeks on his own. He started out very nasty. Hateful, even. Verbally lashing out at immediate family members, screaming at the dog when she frustrated him, going from even-keel to instant anger and then, being so overwhelmed, that he's just shut down for an hour or more, sometimes hiding, sometimes just brooding and not talking but still in the same room. Eli's told us before that at times like this he just needs time and space....don't touch him, don't try to talk to him, just let him have the time he needs to calm down. So that's what we've tried to do.
Over the past five days or so, he's spent an impressive number of hours swinging on the porch swing, lost in "his game"... best I can describe His Game is that when he was little, and completely obsessed with Star Wars, he began a game in his head. He would run in circles on our bed and have this magnificent battle scene going on in his head. He would literally do this for an hour or more and you didn't dare interrupt him when he was immersed in his game or he would become intensely upset.
Needless to say, when we got a new bed last year, E was fairly devastated when he learned he would no longer be able to run in circles on it. But he's found other locations in which to play his game, and one of his favorites - at least during the warmer months - is to sit on the porch swing and lose himself entirely in the game.
His Game is a huge comfort to Eli...he loses himself completely in the world he has created. I'm not sure it's Star Wars any longer...I think it's progressed beyond that to detailed worlds and characters of his own creation, but I know there are still battles being waged from the sounds he makes. Over the past week, he's disappeared into His Game over and over to comfort himself and as a way to deal with the anxiety of the new school year. When Eli's here at home, he knows he is safe to go to that other world he has created. It's just a part of who Eli is, he knows he is accepted here.
Two new pair of soft jammies and a new bedtime routine of reading with 'Mimmy' (Mommy - me) have been a big comfort to him as well. The reading has become something he's insisting on, so we have had to make a time allotment for it. If it comforts and calms him, and helps him to sleep, then I'm fine with working it in. I wonder if it will last the entire school year or, once he settles in to 5th grade and the fear of the newness of it all begins to fade away, if he'll discard the reading time? It will be interesting to see what morning routines he establishes for himself to cope with a new school year. Will they be the same as last year's routines, or will they be new?
Will he continue to have sleepless nights? Or will the school days exhaust him so he can sleep as well as he used to?
I think my own anxiety and sleepless night is being fueled by these questions, but even more by, Will his teachers love, tolerate, help, and work with him as much as last year's teachers?
As always we will strive to take one day at a time and lean on The Father for our strength and endurance, and trust that we will be shown the way to proceed to help Eli learn the skills he needs to cope with everyday life and the world around him.
Right now, I'm going to proceed back to bed and see if I can manage 4 hours of sleep before the alarm screams at me. Keep my little man in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow as he begins his first day of 5th grade.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Forcing Socialization
Let me say once again... I'm no expert. I have nothing that qualifies me to give "expert advice" on raising a child with autism except that I happen to be doing just that. But that's where you can draw the line. And remember the popular saying, "If you have met one person with autism...you have met one person with autism." Every individual on the spectrum is unique. So that said...take my following "advice" with a grain of salt and just know your own kid. What works for mine won't necessarily work for yours.
It's been difficult to find time to write. Last week was busy because it was Vacation Bible School at our church, Amazing Wonders Aviation. It was an enlightening week for me as I watched Eli in this environment, and I think I have come to some important decisions about some choices I have been struggling with regarding Middle School (two years away).
You would think with such an amazing event that our church puts on year after year, summer after summer, Eli would remember and be more than happy to go! But this is Eli we're talking about...our little man who doesn't care to leave the house. When told it was time to go to VBS, I got a lot of, "Noooo!!! I don't want to go to VBS! Nooooo!!!!"
Like anything that involves leaving the house - if it's not something of his own choosing, we have to force the issue with him.
Clearly we have to make smart choices when it comes to forcing Eli to go do something he's resisting, and we have had to learn to pick our battles. We try not to force him into situations where his lack of wanting to go will negatively effect him or other people. No need to cause a meltdown. No need to ruin someone else's good time.
But we know from experience that Eli will have a blast if he goes to VBS. He comes home every evening with fun stories, telling me what a great time he had. It's a joy to hear him walking in the door with his big brother after another evening, laughing about something funny that happened!
Eli has fun with the other kids and enjoys laughing with them, but I do still see how he keeps himself apart from them too.
He quite often chooses to stand apart from them ... that is, until he chooses to join them. I don't force him to join, but let him do it at his own pace, in his own time. But at least he's in a place where he is being given the opportunity to join in when he's ready.
And last week, watching him, it occurred to me... he seems happy in both places! When he stands apart, he seems content. When he chooses to join in, he seems well accepted and has a good time, too. It's such a comfort after the early years of no friendships. It's a blessing.
"His mother saw that he was not lonesome, and because she was an understanding mother......
If E had his way, he would stay home all the time. He wouldn't have to go out into the world. He could just stay in the house, wearing his hoodie sweatshirts, holding Monkey, watching cartoons and waiting for his next time slot to play video games.
I think this realization alone is helping me to lean toward keeping him in public school, and lean away from online home-schooling.
Eli needs those interactions with friends! I don't want him to lose those skills, simply because he would choose not to leave the house. As it is right now, those times when he decides he's ready to interact with other kids, he is accepted. He's learning social cues and interaction skills, and those are so important for any kid...but especially for one on the spectrum! Eli's already got enough eccentricities which, as he ages, will begin to set him apart from those who are unfamiliar with him. Helping him now to learn how to appropriately interact with his peers, and providing him with the opportunity to develop relationships with other children who accept him as he is.... there's just no way I'm willing to take that away from him.
Eli's favorite parts of this year's VBS was the big to-do on the last night, with a slip-n-slide and the giant water slide from Athens Inflatables. Plus, Chris gave him a plastic, blow-up airplane on the last night, which has become a favorite toy.
Eli has also enjoyed reliving several funny moments from the week and has laughed and laughed. This brings me great happiness, because...well, if you've ever heard Eli's laughter, you would understand. It just fills a room with joy!
Some of Eli's favorite stories from this year's VBS involved the child who announced into the microphone one evening that she'd farted, which amused most people, but seriously cracked Eli up. Another child was caught eating the wet cement they used to make their stepping stones project. When he was told he couldn't eat the cement, he smacked his lips and proclaimed, "...but it's good!" Eli has laughed and laughed about those stories and derived such hilarity from both instances that, for him, it was those moments that made leaving the house all the more worthwhile to him!
It's been difficult to find time to write. Last week was busy because it was Vacation Bible School at our church, Amazing Wonders Aviation. It was an enlightening week for me as I watched Eli in this environment, and I think I have come to some important decisions about some choices I have been struggling with regarding Middle School (two years away).
But first, before I get to that, let me give a bit of Kudos where it's due.... our VBS is awesome! We generally pull in 70+ kids for the week. Our event planner, Jodi, does an amazing job. She's meticulous, organized, thinks every possible little thing through, plans out every minute detail for six consecutive days down to the last possible cookie needed....she does a great job!
The VBS days of my childhood were filled with a little bible study and doing a craft project, usually consisting of cinnamon sticks, ribbons and glue, to take home to mama. I think I remember us singing a song about the books of the bible at the end of the week for the parents. That's all I remember about the VBS of my childhood. Yawn.
Jodi, on the other hand, plans out and organizes a six day program for our kids that would put any event planner to shame! I don't think anyone realizes the amount of time and energy that goes into the preparing for VBS! She makes it an all out performance with music and video and dancing and singing and stations and games and valuable teachings and snacks and water play, not to mention the big to-do that occurs on the last night! Surely our children are going to receive a lot more worthwhile memories of their VBS experiences!
Our worship leader for VBS is Jenn and she gives it her all! She spends a month or more learning every song, every word, every movement, every dance step and then, with great energy, she leads our children as they learn the songs each night. Jenn stands up there on stage twice a night, for six nights, and gets our kids pumped up and excited about Jesus! Then she ends every evening on a high note before they depart for home. She dances and sings and gives of herself in such a positive way...the kids love her! The kids love her sidekick, Dusty Twails, too! Dusty has been played for the last three years by our beloved minister, Chris. He's hilarious, loses himself in the role, dances, sings, acts silly and takes such pleasure in connecting with the children, who are delighted with the silliness and fun he brings to VBS! What a wonderful experience for these children!
There are too many other folks to mention all by name but we have a lot of volunteers who give their All during the week in order to make the event a wonderful success. People who give their time, money and talents, who connect with our children and give them such love and positive experiences. And so many other members of the congregation who donate supplies. It's truly a "whole church" event!
You would think with such an amazing event that our church puts on year after year, summer after summer, Eli would remember and be more than happy to go! But this is Eli we're talking about...our little man who doesn't care to leave the house. When told it was time to go to VBS, I got a lot of, "Noooo!!! I don't want to go to VBS! Nooooo!!!!"
Like anything that involves leaving the house - if it's not something of his own choosing, we have to force the issue with him.
Essentially we have to force Eli to socialize.
 |
| The lesson included popping a balloon to get the piece of paper inside. Eli didn't want to pop his balloon. Here he's protecting it. |
But we know from experience that Eli will have a blast if he goes to VBS. He comes home every evening with fun stories, telling me what a great time he had. It's a joy to hear him walking in the door with his big brother after another evening, laughing about something funny that happened!
 |
| Eli enjoyed running backwards to make his wand emit large bubbles. |
Eli has fun with the other kids and enjoys laughing with them, but I do still see how he keeps himself apart from them too. He quite often chooses to stand apart from them ... that is, until he chooses to join them. I don't force him to join, but let him do it at his own pace, in his own time. But at least he's in a place where he is being given the opportunity to join in when he's ready.
And last week, watching him, it occurred to me... he seems happy in both places! When he stands apart, he seems content. When he chooses to join in, he seems well accepted and has a good time, too. It's such a comfort after the early years of no friendships. It's a blessing.
Sometimes I feel like Ferdinand the Bull's Mother...
"His mother saw that he was not lonesome, and because she was an understanding mother......
she let him just sit there and be happy."
(The story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf)
(The story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf)
 |
| Eli's favorite night of VBS was the final night with the giant inflatable water slide. Here he is climbing up to take his turn. |
He wouldn't be forced to go to school. He wouldn't be forced to go to church.
He wouldn't be forced to go to anywhere he didn't choose to go...in other words,
any place he didn't deem "fun"!
 |
| Waiting in line for the giant water slide. What a smile! |
I think this realization alone is helping me to lean toward keeping him in public school, and lean away from online home-schooling.
 |
| Fun but freezing! Eli spent a lot of the time wrapped in a towel trying to warm up in the sun. |
Eli's favorite parts of this year's VBS was the big to-do on the last night, with a slip-n-slide and the giant water slide from Athens Inflatables. Plus, Chris gave him a plastic, blow-up airplane on the last night, which has become a favorite toy.
Eli has also enjoyed reliving several funny moments from the week and has laughed and laughed. This brings me great happiness, because...well, if you've ever heard Eli's laughter, you would understand. It just fills a room with joy!
Some of Eli's favorite stories from this year's VBS involved the child who announced into the microphone one evening that she'd farted, which amused most people, but seriously cracked Eli up. Another child was caught eating the wet cement they used to make their stepping stones project. When he was told he couldn't eat the cement, he smacked his lips and proclaimed, "...but it's good!" Eli has laughed and laughed about those stories and derived such hilarity from both instances that, for him, it was those moments that made leaving the house all the more worthwhile to him!
Personally, I see the irony...I could totally see a younger Eli doing both of those things. Definitely.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Lunchtime Quickie
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| Eli and his winnings |
On Thursday evening (actual birthday) Ash wanted to play penny-ante poker for his birthday. We ate homemade pizza and then we all went in search of our pennies. We keep baggies of pennies for this purpose.
Ash started out well, and Ben had a few big hands, but Eli was our Big Winner of the evening, which thrilled him to pieces! I, on the other hand, had very lousy cards for the most part. I only won two hands and when I did, the pots were very miniscule. I can't tell you how aggravating it was to finally have a flush, only to be beaten by 4 of a kind! Ugh! But it's all in fun, and we had a great time, laughing and just spending time together as a family.
I could tell it was very stressful for Eli to learn how to play the game, even though he was having an absolute blast!! His breathing became rapid - one of his tics and self-imposed coping strategies -- when the anxiety is overwhelming him, he just automatically starts in with the frantic, deep breathing.
He was concentrating so hard on what was in his hand. If we would nudge him to move a little faster on his decision (because he would take fooooorrrreeeeevvvverrrrrrr!) then he'd start to freak out a bit, get angry, squeal at us and the anxiety would overwhelm him. The constant heavy/deep breathing was a part of the entire game, as he focused and strained to understand what he was seeing and understand the cards in his hand. But he loved it and he did VERY well! And as you can see above, he cleaned up!
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| Sunburned Ash and Alexis at Texas Roadhouse for Birthday Steak |
Even when we asked for the big Birthday Yeehaw for Ash, Grumpy Waitress was less than pleasant, sighed and said (like she was bored), "Let me round everyone up..." as if it was her least favorite part of her whole night. Poor Grumpy Waitress! Pretty sure public service isn't for her! Gave us a humorous edge to the entire night, however!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Snug as a bug in a rug!
I've recently learned that a common technique for calming autistic children down is to wrap them all up "like a burrito" in a blanket. They enjoy it and it apparently helps them to calm down from sensory overload, from what I've read. Seeing as I'm not a Dr. and we're just learning all these new things, I'm sure there's a broader explanation for the wrapping technique than that. However, I'm just blown away by the fact that Eli has already incorporated this technique, naturally, and on his own!
Every weekday morning the routine is the same. Eli gets up, he sits in Daddy's chair until breakfast is on the table. He moves to the table, eats, takes his morning meds in whatever order he's designed for himself, and after clearing his breakfast dishes, he then moves to Mommy & Daddy's bed until 6:20 a.m.
It is here, in our bed each morning, where he has already perfected the "burrito" technique all on his own! He comes in and burrows down under the covers, often asking for help to make sure all the covers are up completely over his head. He's wrapped also in his own soft fleece "snuggie"-type blanket, all coccooned and snug as a bug in a rug!
What a clever coping strategy he figured out all by himself! What more appropriate time of day as well, for when would it be the most difficult for him? He's coming out of sleep, out of a dark, quiet room into the bright main part of the house, where there is light and music is playing. It never occurred to me this may be a shock to his system or more than he can handle. It's not super bright, or super loud, but it's a change for him at that moment. His meds aren't in his system at that point, because he's just taken them with breakfast, so first thing in the morning is just a raw time for him I suspect.
I plan to utilize the wrapping technique in the future for times when Eli begins to show signs a meltdown. I'm just now learning this could be due to sensory overload, as I mentioned before. The trigger for the meltdown may not even be happening at the moment...it might be the after effects of something that happened hours ago! These are the things we, as parents, need to know and need to understand in order to help him. All the information is right before us....we just need to know how to interpret and understand it.
Every weekday morning the routine is the same. Eli gets up, he sits in Daddy's chair until breakfast is on the table. He moves to the table, eats, takes his morning meds in whatever order he's designed for himself, and after clearing his breakfast dishes, he then moves to Mommy & Daddy's bed until 6:20 a.m.
It is here, in our bed each morning, where he has already perfected the "burrito" technique all on his own! He comes in and burrows down under the covers, often asking for help to make sure all the covers are up completely over his head. He's wrapped also in his own soft fleece "snuggie"-type blanket, all coccooned and snug as a bug in a rug!
What a clever coping strategy he figured out all by himself! What more appropriate time of day as well, for when would it be the most difficult for him? He's coming out of sleep, out of a dark, quiet room into the bright main part of the house, where there is light and music is playing. It never occurred to me this may be a shock to his system or more than he can handle. It's not super bright, or super loud, but it's a change for him at that moment. His meds aren't in his system at that point, because he's just taken them with breakfast, so first thing in the morning is just a raw time for him I suspect.
I plan to utilize the wrapping technique in the future for times when Eli begins to show signs a meltdown. I'm just now learning this could be due to sensory overload, as I mentioned before. The trigger for the meltdown may not even be happening at the moment...it might be the after effects of something that happened hours ago! These are the things we, as parents, need to know and need to understand in order to help him. All the information is right before us....we just need to know how to interpret and understand it.
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