The day I cried in front of sixty-five 5th graders

Eli being goofy at Crafts 2000

On October 25th, I went to Eli's school to speak to the entire 5th grade (approximately 65 kids) about Tourette Syndrome, which is one of Eli's challenges.  It's the part which makes him repeat words, yell out words, and make noises, among other disruptive behaviors. 

I described to the boys and girls in Eli's grade what TS is - and what it isn't.  I explained about tics (not the crawly kind!) and broke it down for them in ways they could understand. I compared tics to the hiccups.  When you get the hiccups, you really can't control what your body is doing.  They can be annoying, and sometimes painful.  Tics can be like that too. 

I also compared tics to an itch on the bottom of your foot.  You can try and try to not scratch the itch, but more often than not, you have to take your shoe off and scratch that itch.  Tics can be like that as well, in as such you can fight it for a while, put it off from happening, but it will keep bugging you and bugging you until you have to "let the tic out".

I talked to this group of 10 and 11 year olds about different kinds of tics...sometimes they can be motions.  Sometimes they can be vocal. People will blink or rock or make movements with their hands, or faces, or other body parts.  They can't really control it...it happens.  Can you imagine how frustrating and embarrassing that can be for the person struggling with TS?  Sometimes people make noises with their mouths or throats or say words repetitively or just yell things out.  Sometimes they can fight the urge, but eventually it will occur.  Eli explained it best to me.  He said, "Sometimes things come out of my mouth before I even know I've done it...and then I can't take it back."  

I was pleased at how smoothly the talk was going.  The kids were great!  The were courteous and politely listening.  I was doing fine!  I wasn't nervous or anything; things were going very well.  

Then I got to the part where I was to tell them that they know someone with Tourette Syndrome.  And as I said Eli's name, my throat went closed.  I felt so much emotion explode in my chest and the tears welled in my eyes. 

Crap.

My brain was screaming, "Nooooo!!!!  Don't you dare cry in front of all these kids!!!!"  How humiliating!  

The school counselor recognized I was struggling and he was kind enough to jump in and start talking for a bit so I could recover.

As I started to talk again though, I was still fighting the emotion, so I apologized and just pushed through it and eventually got back to where I was speaking clearly again. 

I hate doing that!!!!  I was mortified!!

Anyway, there was time for questions at the end, and a few kids did ask questions -- really GOOD questions!  I was really very impressed with their questions, and I could tell they'd really been listening, which made me feel good.  But do you know what most of the kids raised their hands to say? 

Most of the kids raise their hands to tell me about Eli.

Eli snuggling with his big brother, Ash, after Eli had been upset earlier.

They weren't tattling.  Not at all.  Most of the kids wanted to tell me how much they've seen him improve.  "Eli used to do this, but he doesn't do that anymore."  "I think Eli's come a long way since last year."  "I remember back when Eli used to do that, but he's changed a lot in the last few years and I never see him do that anymore."

Those kids will NEVER know how much hope, comfort and encouragement they gave me that day.  I'm so close to our life situation every single day, so it's hard to get a good perspective.  Sometimes I forget just how far Eli has really come!  Hearing these children, most of whom have been in class with Eli at one time or another for the past 7 years, tell me how much improvement they have seen in my child over the years.... that was the most uplifting gift those children could have given me!  They probably don't even realize how much kindness they extended to me that day.  I'm surprised I didn't cry again...but I was actually too busy beaming.  

Not only that, but knowing he is surrounded by 65 kids who will go all through school with him, who are accepting and understanding of him, who are growing up with tolerance as a part of their lives, who are friends with Eli and care about him as he is.... those precious boys and girls who sat there and gave me their attention and then told me nice things about my child.  I wanted to hug each and every one of them.  I was so proud of all of them! 

I saw something posted on Facebook the other day...it said something along the lines of, "Parents have to prepare their child for the world.  But parents of an autistic child have to prepare the world for their child." 

It's my hope that by helping his classmates to understand the reasons behind some of Eli's actions, and explaining some of the ways they can help him, they will take that knowledge with them all through life. Maybe when "scary Middle School" happens in less than two years, some of his former classmates will help explain him to all the new kids he will be joining at the Middle School.  Maybe they'll spread the acceptance, not only for Eli but for others they encounter along their life journeys, promoting understanding and graciousness and compassion. 

Makes me proud that these boys and girls are our future.