...help...

Last weekend was a difficult one.  It was also a wonderful one!

Last Friday evening I was able to attend another glorious Mother Daughter Banquet with my beautiful Grammy (maternal grandmother) who is 101 years old.  What a blessing to be able to attend together another year!  Also in attendance were my own Mother, Ruth; my Sister, Rachel; my Aunt Jennie, and two of my Grammy's very special friends, Troi and Janie.  We had a marvelous time and my uncle Ken (mom's brother, husband to Jennie) was one of the all-male team of servers.  We ate lasagna and all kinds of yummy things, heard music from the Children's Choir, and received roses.  I never lost site of the fact that I'm not in control and I never know when THIS might be the last time, so I was quite grateful that we were all gathered together again this year to celebrate Mother's Day with Grammy.   It was very important to me that I was able to attend again this year.  I'd left early from work Friday afternoon and traveled to where my Grammy lives, and I stayed the night in a hotel room with my sister, which my Papa so graciously paid for as a gift to us girls.  It was such a wonderful time!

However, this meant I didn't see Eli from Friday morning, when I left for work, until I got back home late morning on Saturday, a little over 24 hours.

E was really excited when I got home and we hugged a lot and said how much we missed each other.  We were home together Saturday afternoon, but then I left again....

Saturday evening the girls from my Clump (my small group from church) all went to see the production of In The Heights, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_the_Heights  which was fantastic!!!  I'm ready to head for New York and see a Broadway Play now!!!  I left the house about 5:40 p.m. and didn't get home again until nearly 10:30 p.m.  Eli was already in bed, so I didn't see him again until Sunday morning.  But let's backtrack a bit...

Before I left Saturday evening to meet the girls, Eli had a pretty serious meltdown.  In fact, it was so serious I now have a whole new set of concerns about his teenage and adult years, but we'll not focus on that today.  Let's just say I've not seen Eli that angry and out of control in several years.  If ever.

Am I to blame?  Was my absence the night before the reason he became so extreme in his frustration with his video game, and therefore so quickly and severely enraged when his dad spoke to him about a behavior he'd just presented?

The whole scene occurred right as I was getting out of the shower.  There I was, running around in a towel trying to regain control of the situation (wasn't going to happen) and I nearly canceled my plans to attend the play because I wasn't going to leave Ben and Ash alone to deal with it all.  But after 30 minutes or so Eli got himself under control after spending some quiet time in his room.  He came out again, after he picked up all the items he'd thrown about during his fit (that was required before he could leave the room; first calm down...then pick everything up and clean up the mess he'd made, then come out).

Eli came first to me, then with a little prompting, he went to Ben and apologized.  He was doing alright, so I went to dinner and the musical after all.  I called home to check on things, and all was well.  Eli was keeping it together, watching a movie and doing just fine.

The next morning in church, as I stood on stage singing with the Praise Team, I could see Ben leaning over to speak quietly to Eli and I could see we had a problem.  I recognized the look on Eli's face.  The scowl that tells me a dark, quiet room is needed.  Now. Possibly ten minutes ago.

By the time I went to sit down, he was still seething.  He was angry because he couldn't go to the nursery where Ash was serving that day.  Eli's too old for the nursery, and they had several kids down there that morning... there was no need for him to go in there as well.

He didn't like that answer.

I was fearful he would erupt, the anger was just rolling off him... so I asked him to take a walk with me.  He refused several times, but I whispered that I may have been asking nicely, but that I was indeed insisting he come with me. He threw the hymnal he was holding to the side and stomped out of the sanctuary.  There was no screaming, no tantrum however, so Thank God for small favors.

I spent my Mother's Day morning in my church office (where I work my second, 1/2 time job) with a livid ten year old.  He'd snuggled with me, leaned into me for about 20 seconds when we first went into the room and allowed me to comfort him, and then the anger took over and he stormed away from me and sat on a different couch, not communicating or even looking at me.

Again...is this all because of me and my lack of being there?

Eli spent ten minutes raking his fingernails across the fabric of the couch and breathing so hard and fast I was sure he would hyperventilate.  I kept the lights out and talked softly about the things I could see out the window...how green the leaves were, how the rain made me sleepy, how I remembered what rainy Sundays felt like when I was a little girl, and how they feel to me now.

I asked him if he even knew why he was feeling so mad.

Eventually - after a lot of encouragement - he was able to let me know without talking to me (he just wasn't ready for that yet) that he sort of knew what he was mad about...but he didn't really understand why he was feeling so severely angry.  He was mad that he wasn't able to go to the nursery with Ash.  But no...Eli didn't understand at all why his emotions were so hostile and so overwhelming the last few days.

After about half an hour I knew he was going to be okay.  I'd missed the entire service and I could hear singing and I hoped someone had seen me leave with Eli and understood why I wasn't there singing with them.

Eli started getting goofy and silly acting, overcompensating with baby-talk and silliness... because his anger had dissipated and he was now feeling so much better.  When he's feeling super happy, the goofiness emerges.

Ben came searching for us, concerned and confused, but found us in a stage of healing.  We scrapped the eating-out for Mother's Day plan and exchanged it for a trip to the grocery store instead - where Ash and Eli waited in the car, because Eli didn't need the over-stimulation of the grocery store - and then we proceeded home to have a glorious afternoon of rain-induced napping and some much needed downtime.  At least that was what I did...I'm not sure what the boys were all doing at that point.

He's been fine ever since.  I warned his teacher he'd been having some serious anger issues all weekend long and to watch for signs, but he's been pretty even keel this week.

You know I've always been good in a crisis.  I'm the fixer.  I'm the protector.  It's later, after all the bad stuff has passed and is over with, then...then I fall apart.  I remain calm and strong while I have to, but when it's safe, I have my release.  Usually this involves tears and utter exhaustion.

This weekend - as fantastic and glorious as many parts were - it completely wore me out.  More than that it brings fear to my heart, as well as a greater sense of how important it is to make Autism Awareness a top priority.  Not just for parent and teachers, but for entire communities.

Witnessing my beloved, precious child's meltdown, his anger, his hostility, his complete loss of control.... everyone needs to be aware of the struggles our kids are dealing with now!!!  And we parents need help.  We need help now! Because in a decade these precious babies of ours are going to be adults.

I'm prayerfully hopeful that between now and then My Eli will have learned coping strategies that allow him to keep it together.  But what if he can't?  Then I want all of society to be aware, to recognize the signs, to HELP!  Police officers need training.  Employers need training.  Programs need to be available to help society as well as our kids and us.  Compassion needs to flow.

People need to help!  

Communities need to come together to embrace our kids who will one day be adults.  Parents need financial support now in order to obtain the therapies for their children NOW.  For example, Eli could really use help with pragmatic speech therapy...meaning he doesn't need help learning how to talk, he needs help learning how to have a conversation.  Especially with complete strangers.  He struggles terribly with that, and what adult doesn't need that skill?  But he didn't score low enough to receive the therapy through the school system, so we'd have to go to a private speech therapist and pay for it out of pocket. Even if insurance helped somewhat, shelling out a co-pay week after week, month after month is more than we can do.

While I recognize that there's a lot of media coverage happening now because Autism is now considered an epidemic, and in April everyone was jumping on the band wagon to yell, "Hey!  Look at me!  I went blue and I'm aware!" -- and that's great!  Really! We NEED awareness!!! -- but it's May now...

and my kid is still on the Spectrum...

and we still are severely limited to what we have access to in order to help him.  I know there are a lot of people out there talking and advocating, and again, that's really great.... but I guess I have this message to You....

YOU who are in the position of making these decisions, of making these programs happen, of making the insurance and financial assistance based on diagnosis, not income, available so that we parents can take care of our children now, to help teach our children the skills they need so that in a decade they can more easily function in society in a way YOU expect them to....  

YOU are not moving fast enough for my child.  He needs you now.

Picking battles and stepping back

Quick story....  Today is Pioneer Day at school.  The entire school is involved and they are eating food from Pioneer times (well, everyone except Eli, that is - he informed me he would NOT try anything new!) and everyone is dressing like Pioneers.  Girls are asked to wear skirts and blouses, and boys are asked to wear plain pants (no jeans!) such as khakis, a plain shirt and could add a hat or suspenders if they wanted.  They're really trying to get everyone INTO it, and it should be really fun!

So we borrowed the hat and suspenders from Grandpa and tracked down plain shirt and appropriate pants and he wore his hiking boots to school too.  All was well!

Then I got the phone call this morning at work.  "Will you talk to you son please?  He's refusing to wear the suspenders."  Eli gets on the phone. 

"Hi Mommy..." near tears, whining...I can hear the verge of hysterics in the voice.

"What's the matter E...you don't want to wear your suspenders?"

"NO!  I hate them, I don't wanna wear them." Louder voice.

"What don't you like about them?"

"I don't like them." More whining, more upset tone.  Meltdown on the way if pushed too much farther.

"All your friends will be wearing suspenders.  It's part of the outfit.  Do you care?"

"No, I don't like them!"  Almost crying, really insistent.  Mom and Dad aren't going to win this battle.  It doesn't matter that the outfit won't look AS cute without the suspenders...suspenders aren't worth a meltdown.

"Okay, don't wear them.  Will you please wear the hat?"

"Yeah...I'll wear the hat."  Calmer...still whiny, still on the verge of tears.

"Okay, thank you...put your dad back on...and have fun today!"

Told Ben..."They're suspenders...they don't matter...he'll wear the hat."  Ben said okay.

So I email the teacher to let her know the suspenders weren't happening!  "So sorry!  We got the "garb" but I didn't figure you would mind if we averted a meltdown.  :)  Have a fun day!"

She writes me back: "Hi Kim!!!!  He wore his suspenders!!!! He looks so cute in his outfit. I hope Ben got pictures!!!"

Me, I sat and laughed and laughed and laughed! 

Then I called Ben..."Yeah, he decided to wear them because he decided he didn't look right without them." 

Well, how about that.  We gave him permission to not wear them, and didn't force the issue, and then he made his own decision to wear them after all.  What a kid!

How cute is he?!

Eli, dressed for Pioneer Day, 2012

Strong Love

(Author's Note -- Thank you once more for all the votes on Babble.com's Top Autism Blogs.  If you read, and you haven't voted, please consider doing so...just hit the badge to the right, scroll down to find Eli's World (last I knew we were at #15) and click on the thumb's up LIKE symbol to vote. 

Additional note -- Life has been a bit crazy and finding time to write has taken a back seat quite often.  It's taken 3 or 4 days to get this blog written and posted in my "free time"...whatever that is.  Bear with me!  I didn't start out writing this with an intended connection to motherhood, but as we enter into this Mother's Day weekend it occurred to me how fitting a topic this turned out to be!  Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there, who have experienced Strong Love in ways only a Mother can fully comprehend.)

Since Sami has come on the scene at our house, I have noticed several things. 

Sami - May 2012

First, Eli is experiencing the emotion of STRONG LOVE for the first time.

Secondly, Eli is altering his routines to accommodate Sami.  These are the same routines, by the way, that he has created for himself which are set in stone and SHALT NOT BE ALTERED!

And thirdly, Sami is developing some routines of her own!  And they too SHALT NOT BE ALTERED!

Strong Love....wow, it can really change a person.  Think of how many ways you change when you fall in love with someone and it's fresh and new...the lengths you are suddenly willing to go to for him or her.  How you're willing to try new things you might not have considered doing before, simply because the one you love enjoys it!

If you're a parent you'll completely understand the level of emotion that I am referring to ... think about the intensity of love you experienced when your first child was born, how you never knew it was possible to love THAT MUCH...how you could barely take your eyes away from his face...how you memorized her features...how you knew her cry from all the other babies in the nursery, even before you reached the room... how you couldn't remember what in the world your life was like, or what you even did, before he was born!  And you would never go back!  Wouldn't change a thing!  How you will sacrifice everything you have, everything you are, just for that baby, because you love him that much!  Strong love.  It will overwhelm you, and you welcome it with open arms.

I've interpreted some of the research information I've read as saying that some kids with autism are thought to be unable to experience emotions ... or at least in a way that we would typically recognize as how people react.  Some of our kids will stare blankly at you with a deadpan face when you are hoping for an emotional response, any response, from them at all, and when they don't react the way we think they should, well...we really don't know what to do with that, do we. Some you can't touch or hug without causing a serious upset. 

I personally don't like to say that those affected on that level are "unable to have emotion" however, because no one entirely knows what is really going on in those beautiful, unique minds.  They may be filled with emotion on the inside that just never reaches those who are watching on the outside - at least in a way we are programmed to recognize. 

Maybe these children simply cannot express what they are feeling in a way that we're capable of comprehending, but who are we to say they CAN'T feel it, you know?  Sure it may not be the way we think they should feel it...but I bet there's all sorts of feeling going on in there.  Otherwise why would they react to strongly to sensory overloads and such?  To me, that has to be emotion-fueled.  But I'm not a Dr, not a research assistant, not a lab tech or a scientific journal author.  I'm just a mom.

Imagine not being able to comprehend facial cues 

 Eli doesn't struggle with feeling his own emotions as much as some others.  He certainly is openly able to feel them, but he does struggle with how to appropriately express the emotions he's feeling. 

He also continues to struggle with facial cues on other people's faces, with recognizing what emotions they are experiencing, with reading how another person, outside of himself, is feeling.  This was one of his suggested therapies, but there are limited resources in our area and no financial help for what is available.  Unfortunately we can't pay hundred and hundreds out of pocket, he doesn't qualify for help through the school (didn't score low enough) and so we do what we can at home to help him.  But that's a whole other post....  

Needless to say, he would benefit from being able to better SEE people's faces and understand that the person is getting upset with him, or that a person is happy, that a person is feeling sad today, or that a person is already angry, so maybe now isn't the best time to be really sarcastic when talking with them. 

I've always been profoundly grateful that Eli is "touchable" and hug-able and that - even though we continue to work on appropriate responses - he is fully capable for expressing his anger, his amusement, his disappointment, his sadness and such. 

I love to be able to touch and hold him!  I love nothing more than to hold his little body against mine as we snuggle in the big, blue chair!  I swear I can just feel his sweetness!  I love to kiss his hair and forehead and hold him in my arms.  You can just feel that he's precious!!  I know I won't always be able to do this....I'm trying to get my fill now. 

I know Eli loves me too - in fact I never tire of hearing, "I love you, Mama!" in his little voice - but I am witnessing him really experience this STRONG LOVE for the first time for Sami.  In the 6 1/2 weeks we've had her, I've noticed an increase in his maturity, his willingness to stop what he's doing and take the dog out, because he doesn't want her to fail by having an accident in the house.  He's not baby-talking AS much as he once did, unless he's cooing to her what a sweet baby she is, or telling her what a pretty girl she is, or what a good girl she is. And even that is more sweet-talking than baby-talking.

At bedtime, Eli and Sami BOTH insist on her being in bed with him for a while.  It's not as important that Mommy stays in the room to snuggle now...as long as Sami is there, it's okay...you can go Mom!  And that's okay!  I rather enjoy being able to go in and kiss and hug him, maybe talk for a moment and say prayers, then be able to leave without being clung to, held on to, have to physically remove my clothing from his curled fingers, get called back three times for "just one more hug".... nope, Sami is there so Mom is free to go back to what she was doing before bedtime tuck-in!  That kinda rocks!  Thank you Sami!

The mornings are developing their own routine as well.  Sami absolutely MUST enter Eli's room and get up on the bed with him before it's time to get up.  Half the time she wakes him - trust me, he does not mind - by crawling up and either laying or sitting on his head.  The other morning I had to enter his room to retrieve clothing.  Eli was headed to a Dr. appt. that day with Daddy and was able to sleep in, so I ATTEMPTED to keep Sami out of the room so she wouldn't wake him up. She'd followed me to the door enthusiastically, but I turned and blocked her way when I entered and closed the door behind me, leaving her in the hallway.

Oh my GOSH!  

You would have thought the world was coming to an end the way that dog carried on!  She managed to wake Eli anyway and he sleepily mumbled, "Hi Sami". 

I whispered, "She's not in here honey, I didn't want her to wake you...."   Big Duh...she'd probably awakened the folks in the next house!  So I ended up letting her in, and they had their snuggle time anyway.

Most mornings, this is "Stop #1"  for Eli

Eli has even been willing to alter his set-in-stone morning routine for Sami...instead of getting up and going to the green chair (normal Stop #1 after leaving the bedroom), he's been willing to lay in bed with her, skip the green chair altogether, and then go straight to the breakfast table, simply because "...but Sami isn't as comfortable snuggling in the green chair now, because she's growing bigger.  She can't get as comfy like when she was smaller, so we'll stay in bed until 6 a.m. and then I'll go straight to the table, okay?"  Um...okay!

That's a sacrifice he's willing to make.

He's told me on numerous occasions how much he loves her.  I see the patience he shows her, the affection he showers upon her, the forgiveness he extends to her!  That alone expresses the strong love he feels for her!  Compassion, mercy, ... what better way to express love?! 

Eli often struggles to recover from the hurt and anger of being "wronged".... he's pretty good at holding a grudge!  Occasionally a considerable amount of time will pass before Eli's even open to the thinking about the possibility of maybe, eventually, getting around to forgiving someone for something they have done.  He's rather stay mad for a little while. Or a long time even.

But with Sami...it doesn't seem to matter what she does.  We often hear, "It's okay!  She didn't mean it.  I'm alright.  It was an accident."  I bet his brother Ash wishes he would be granted that leniency once in a while!  No one bears the brunt of Eli's grudges as much as big brother Ash!

Strong love is pretty incredible.  Eli and I talked of it the other night. He had just finished telling me once again how precious Sami was to him. So I spent time verbalizing to him what it was he was experiencing.  I wanted to say it out loud to him so he had a definition of this new emotion he was feeling inside, so he would have a reference of it for the future.  I will continue to make verbal connections to this Strong Love emotion for him, so he can remember the experience, the way it feels inside, the words I use to describe it, so that he can file those connections away until he needs them again in the future. 

I know he loves me that much too...maybe even more... but I've always been in his life.  I'm not "new", so he really doesn't have a sense of how deep his love runs there.  Do any of us though, when love has become comfortable and familiar?  We take if for granted, don't we. Perhaps in that there's another lesson for us all to learn. 

Hmmm...things to ponder..... Happy Mother's Day

Oh the daily challenges .... but watch how it works out

Guess how many times Sami had Ben and me up last night... three.  Three times!!  She's like having a newborn in the house! (Okay, okay, I guess essentially that's about accurate...) 

It's not every night.  Some nights she actually sleeps the whole night!  Usually she gets me up at least once to go out.  But last night it was THREE TIMES!   

The first time - 2:45 a.m. - she really needed to go out and pee.  Okay. No problem. 

Second time -- 3:45 a.m. - I told Ben there was no way she needed to go out again, she was just out an hour ago!  But he did get up with her to give her a chance...wouldn't you know it, the ol' faker didn't have to go out, but when she came back inside she started prancing around like she thought she was going to get breakfast.  Ben set her straight.  No breakfast at 3:45 a.m.  Sorry.

By the time the alarm was going off at 5:15 a.m. she was half hysterical.  I was ticked.  Usually I get to hit snooze for a few minutes, but not this morning!  Oh no!  Not unless I wanted this entire side of the county awakened because Yappy McGee was apparently really hungry.  I took her out and all she did was chew on the leash.  I fed her.  Then Ben got up with her so I could have a whole 10 minutes more of sleep before heading off to work. 

Goofy dog.

Here's the really amazing part.  I'm not even all that upset with her, and you wanna know why?  Look how she earns her keep!



Sami seemed to sense Eli's upset and calmed
herself down, and then worked to calm Eli down too!

Last night the older boy in the house was apparently having a massive hormone avalanche and was a major cranky-pants!  We're within six days of the next full moon, so Eli's feelings were easily hurt.  It might have escalated into a meltdown, but .... Sami came to the rescue! 

Can she sense Eli's upset?  Can she smell his sadness?  Can she tell when he's on the verge of losing it?  I have no idea, but ten minutes before these pictures were taken she was completely riled up, running all over the living room, jumping on Eli, trying to bite his clothing, jumping on his head, etc, because she was wanting to play.  She would NOT calm down, and finally I had Eli get up and start getting ready for bed, because I was actually afraid he was going to end up hurt. 

After he got his feelings hurt, he was all upset and looking like he was either going to cry or have an outburst of anger in retaliation, Sami instantly calmed down, wrapped her paws around him and began licking him.  She licked his face, his ear, she nuzzled him and licked him some more.  Within moments, he was calmed and smiling.  He loves her so much! 

Chalk one up for the puppy!  That's one more meltdown averted!



Sami licking Eli's face and ear to comfort him

It does get me thinking however.  If the older boy, who is typically developing in every way, is prone to such hormonal upheavals and upsets.... what does that mean for Eli when he's that age?  I'd love to hear more from other parents with TEENS on the spectrum or be directed to resources out there that will aid with this.  Restraining an hysterical teenager is a whole different issue than restraining an hysterical little one.  Eli's ten now...he's hit double digits.  He's still not very big at this point, and I could probably hold on to him if I really had to...at some risk to myself, however.  Our older son is already nearly 6 feet tall.  If Eli is that big in another 5 years, what exactly will I do then?

Hopefully by that time he will have more coping strategies under his belt, and hopefully by then Sami will be a full grown dog who is still a great help to Eli in allowing him to relax.   Sometimes when I start thinking about the future and all the things we MIGHT face, I get a little tense and think maybe Sami needs to come lick my face and ears!  But then I remember just Who it is we are leaning on, and I hand it all up to Him.  I will trust and take one day at a time.

 



Happy Birthday Eli!

Before I share this past "birthday week" with you, I want to give sincere thanks to all of you who have voted for the Blog on Babble.com's Top 30 Autism Blogs for Parents 2012.  I really and truly never thought our blog would actually make it into the Top 30, but the last I knew, it was holding at #15.  I was honored by my co-worker Steve's nomination description and just the outpouring of support and positive feedback.  Thank you so much for the overwhelming love!

Sami really liked Conner.  

Today Eli turns 10.  Ten years old.  A decade.  We have stretched Eli's birthday out over the past week. This weekend has been filled with rehearsals and our spring performance at church.  So, knowing this ahead, we had planned and for the most part celebrated Eli's birthday last weekend.

Eli's buddy Conner came home with E after school last Friday to stay the night and "party" with us.  Sami really liked Conner.  While he laid on the floor watching tv, she laid on him.  Conner brought Eli a really nice gift bag full of cool little gifts, including a monkey and some "guys" and a few other items.  It was a nice surprise!

We took off for Columbus to go to Dave & Busters for the evening.  If you don't know what Dave & Busters is, it's a combination restaurant/bar/arcade.  It's sort of like an adult version of Chuck E. Cheese, but far classier.  Even so, kids are welcome, as long as they are supervised.

What was left of multiple bugs after we drove
through a swarm of mystery bugs.  Eeeew!

On the way to Columbus we hit heavy traffic.  Thankfully it was mostly on the other side of the highway.  Apparently at 5 p.m. on Friday, everyone LEAVES Columbus and comes down to where we live.

We also hit a swarm of bugs...or more accurately, they hit us.  I don't know what kind of bugs they were - Ash and Ben were both guessing they may have been June-bugs - but there we were driving along and all of a sudden they were just smashing into the windshield and they were everywhere!!  And then they were gone.  We were left with bug guts slime all over our windshield!  That thrilled the boys in the backseat of course.  Nothing like a bunch of bug guts to get the giggles going!

Conner was cracking me up, reading the
drink menu like it was a good book

Dave and Busters in Hilliard is REALLY NICE!  I'd been to the one at Polaris about a month before for my sister's Bachelorette Party and we had a really nice time at that one as well.  The one in Hilliard is much larger just "fancy", but it's still fun and laid back.  I felt really relaxed there, and even though there were a lot of people at the place, it didn't have the feel of being cramped or packed.  There's just a lot of space for everyone to move around in.

I asked Eli and Conner for goofy faces for a picture
and this is what we got

We started in the restaurant and had a really good meal.  Conner and Eli were excited and silly, but not in a bad way.  They were just having a good time, and everyone was feeling pretty happy. Ben and I got the same thing for dinner...wish I could think of what it was called, but it had chicken, shrimp and steak on skewers that had been grilled and had different dipping sauces...OH YUM!  It came with a spicy rice and it was just enough food, but not too much food.  I felt really good about what I ate that night!  It was healthier than what I normally would eat in a restaurant, and definitely didn't stuff myself.

Ben's dessert - a Ginormous Brownie Sundae

Ash, Conner and Eli ate quickly and took off for the games.  Ben and I sat there a while longer, enjoyed our meal, and even got dessert since we weren't bloated from our meal.  It was nice to just sit at the table together for a little while and know they boys were safe and having a good time.

When I'd played at the other Dave & Busters in March, I'd fallen in love with the Plinko Game there.  I found the same game at this D&B but it was called High Casino.  Since I'm not much for video games I plopped down at the High Casino "game" and said, "Have fun!  This is where I'll be!"  I say "game" because there's not really much to it.  You drop in your token, the two-tiered trays move back and forth.  You try to drop your token so when it moves forward again it pushes tokens on the top tray off onto the bottom tray, in order for the tokens on the bottom tray to move and push the tokens at the very front over the edge so they drop.  When they drop, YOU GET TICKETS.

Lame, right?  ENTIRELY!  And soooooo addictive!

True to my word, I spent the entire evening at that one game.  I start my 12 step program next week to deal with the addiction.  Just kidding, but seriously...it's pathetic how the game just sucks you in!  People all evening came and went at the seats next to me and every single one of those people would be mumbling..."This is soooo stupid...why can't I stop playing it..."

THIS is the game we all kept playing.

I think I know.  You get tons and tons of tickets playing it!  And you get instant gratification every time a coin falls or moves other coins!  You wait and watch and hope this time...this time...the coins at the edge will drop, and even if they don't, they moved just a little, so you drop more tokens in because this time...this time....they might fall!

The funny part was, as I sat there, eventually the whole family plus
Conner all moved into the seats around me, and our party pretty much took up the entire bank of High Casino machines.  And we weren't interested in moving or sharing, as we sat there mumbling to ourselves, "This is soooo lame...why can't I stop playing it?!"

We all spent a considerable amount of time...and money....on these machines and none of us regret a moment of it!  It was a total blast!  We all had tickets pooling and tangling around our feet.  It was a really fun evening.

Trying to figure out what to spend the tickets on was more challenging.  Since I plan on going back again at some point, I didn't feel it necessary to cash out all of my points.  I got some Nerds and a couple plastic lidded glasses with built in straws to tote water around in.

Eli and some of the many, many
tickets he won on the games

The boys were downright goofy on the way home.  We were all so tired, that someone would just say one word, and the whole car would erupt in laughter.  There were a couple of times I had to ask them to stop being so wacky simply because I was laughing so hard I couldn't see the road.  We had a lot of fun!

Two peas in a pod, these two are.

That Saturday morning, I got up early to take the dog to the vet and Conner and Eli got up early to play video games, since they hadn't had a chance to the evening before.

Conner won a lot of tickets
on the High Casino Game

On to this weekend, Friday night we had dress rehearsal for the performance so we didn't do much then.

Saturday Ben, Eli and I ate at Donatos Pizza for lunch while Ash was on a hike with the Youth Group.  Then we went to WalMart so Eli could spend the birthday money he'd received and he bought himself a new Batman video game which he is REALLY excited about.

Saturday night we had movie night, set up the projector and watched the movie Big, with Tom Hanks and ate popcorn.  It was fun!  That's a great movie...I'd forgotten how fun it is.

Then today (Sunday), Eli's actual birthday, most of it was spent at church, in the a.m. for service and then this evening for the performance and the dessert social which followed.  Eli spent a great deal of time playing with his friend Fox, so it was fun for him.  Eli wasn't all that interested in watching the performance....it's too hard for him to sit still and follow what's going on, especially in that big crowd of people who he didn't know.

I think Fox had seen the performance so many times from being at rehearsals that he didn't mind having the distraction either!  They played up in the balcony while we were singing and dancing below, then the two of them ate lots of dessert and went back outside to play some more.  It was a beautiful evening and I was glad Eli had a chance to be out in it.  Sometimes it's hard to get him out of the house!

Overall, I think Eli's had a great birthday week.  We have a cake for him at home.  He picked out colorful cupcakes to take to the dessert social instead of taking anything to school.  That might be best, so we don't sugar up the whole class.

I think of how much has taken place for him ... for all of us....in the past ten years.  I wonder if the next decade will hold AS MANY changes.

Making the shift over to REAL food

I signed on some time ago to follow the 100 Days of Real Food website -- have you heard of it?

Check it out:   http://www.100daysofrealfood.com/

You can follow it on Facebook. That's pretty much ALL I have done...I've followed it.  I've read the posts, checked out the pictures, looked at the recipes, ... heck, I've even commented on them and said, "Wow, that's sounds pretty tasty". 

Then I go home and make a bunch of processed food for supper, or (way too often) show up with takeout food.

Let's just get this out of the way now.... I'm fat.  I've been fat for sometime now.  Every year I try and try and try to lose it.  Every year I fail and fail and get fatter and fatter and fatter.  I tried for months to lose weight for my sister's wedding that took place in mid-March this year (there's a blog post about that!) and when the pictures came out, I crawled under the bed for a few days to lick my wounds and come to terms with the fact that....I have to make some changes.  Let's just say....a bridge troll would have looked better.  Don't get me wrong...my dress was beautiful!  My hair was beautiful!  It was the pig sporting the dress and hair that was the problem.  That pig was me.

That might have been the main catalyst that got me ready to start moving away from processed foods. 

Also, I've read several things over the past few months about kids who are on the spectrum being affected by processed foods, preservatives, dyes and all that other "pretend" stuff that is in so much of American foods these days.  One of my favorite comments in one of the many articles I read said something to the effect of....

Read the list of ingredients on the the "thing" you're eating. 

Do you know what the majority of those things are? 

NEITHER DOES YOUR BODY!

Your body doesn't have the slightest inkling as to what to DO with that stuff you're eating.  It's not food.  A lot of times your body just stores it.  I don't actually know what tht stuff is, but at what point did someone decide to start putting this "stuff" into "food shapes", and then we decided to actually eat it?  WHAT WERE WE THINKING?!

Is there any wonder there's an epidemic of obesity these days?  How about the epidemic of cancer?  I was looking at our church's prayer list a couple of Sundays back... I would say 90% of the prayer requests on it were cancer related.  I live in a fairly small town, folks.  That's just...horrifying!

I admit I'm concerned about my health.  I'm not 30 anymore, and I come from a long line of diabetics.  When you have that gene-pool, being a fat-girl is NOT a good decision. 

The fact that I'm tired also has motivated me to start eating healthier.  I'm tired, people.  BONE tired.  I mean....I'm sooooo tired that some mornings when the alarm goes off I actually cry a little because I know I have to get up and start it all over again...and I just did it.

I'm definitely not 30 anymore.

So, weight, health and the fact that Eli would eat a breaded chicken patty for every single meal if I would let him (cut up, with ketchup on the side)..... something just changed in my head and I suddenly found myself all about serving and eating only REAL food!

Let's be real now...it's not all going to change overnight.  I still love American cheese on my scrambled eggs or omelette in the a.m.  It's going to take some time to make the complete change over.  Eventually I'd love to be able to locate and switch over to all things organic and REAL. 

Baby steps!  And don't give up!

I purchased the cutest little Ziploc trays to pack REAL food into for lunch and sometimes dinner (when I'm working) and I've done so well this week! 

But I've been making things from scratch, I've been cooking up meals with fresh veggies and brown rice and I made chicken salad and hard boiled eggs this week to have on hand for lunches and dinners.

The scale is slow to sing my praises...but the mirror is having a friendlier disposition this week!  AND my pants are so loose I almost embarrassed myself during choir practice the other night - we were practicing a dance number and I suddenly realized my pants felt like they were going to fall right off my hips!  Horror and joy all at once!  I'm going to have to dig out those one-size smaller jeans I bought 3 months ago and then never managed to get into.



Shrimp Stir Fry with brown rice, shrimp, egg, shredded

carrot, bean sprouts, yellow squash and broccoli



A couple of big pluses to eating all real food --I'm not all that hungry.  Apparently, when you eat real food instead of pretend food, your body is happy and satisfied and doesn't crave more.  Imagine that.  AND, since I started this...I haven't been wanting to eat at night.  I mean...not at all!  This is my most difficult time of day!  Always!  And now...I eat dinner and I seriously don't want anything else for the rest of the night.  Our older son Ash has not been hungry either, and that's a full-blown miracle.



There are four of us in our little family and exactly three of us are enjoying this change in eating.  Guess who the holdout is....well, of course it's Eli! 

I've seen more turned up noses and heard more, "Uggggh! I don't like that!" (before he's even tasted it, of course) this week than I care to think about.  This is going to take some time and a lot of patience.  But the new dinner rule is you have to take at least one bite of everything.  I want to slowly start weaning him away from the artificial stuff and getting him used to eating the real food.  I'm excited to see how much better he will do, or if it will help all that much at all.  I'm concerned he'll starve to death.  Generally he's been eating ONE BITE of everything, following the rule, and then saying he's done.  I'm going about it as if he was a pet turning up their nose at their food...



Check out my new Ziploc Trays!



If he gets hungry enough, he'll eat it!

The real food experience FEELS great, but it IS taking a lot of extra effort.  Cooking things ahead of time, making sure you have things prepared and on hand, spending a good deal of time getting lunch and breakfast, and sometimes dinner, for the next day all prepped and packed into the cute Ziploc trays (aren't they adorable?!)

Wish us luck!  And listen...I'm not expect any crash diet results any time soon, but let me assure you the weight is slowly, but surely coming off.  Everytime I check I'm down .2 lbs (notice that's POINT two), but if I keep that up, it'll add up over time.  Just the way I gained it!

If anyone has other REAL FOOD websites, books or other resources that they care to share, and even REAL FOOD RECIPES, I'd love the suggestions and the additional information!   Share Share!!!!!

Fears for my son

Many people are aware of this video that has been circulating this week of the father talking about how they were able catch his autistic son's teacher and aide bullying the boy. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfkscHt96R0

I include it here to help increase awareness of this situation.  But I will be perfectly honest....I have not watched it. 

I cannot watch it. 

When I read the title of the video -- Teacher/Bully: How my Son was Humiliated and Tormented by as his Teacher and Aide -- I felt nauseous.  I felt literally SICK. 

What if this was MY child?!

It's hard enough sending your child out into the world alone.  To a babysitter.  To daycare. To school. Eventually you adjust.  There's a level of trust that is established with another adult who spends the day with your child.  After the first day apart, and your little sweetie comes home all happy and excited...and safe...you relax a bit.  The anxiety goes out of the situation, and you say, "Okay.  He's alright!  No worries! She's happy!  Everything will be okay!"  Doesn't every parent go through that when they send their child out into the world when they can't be there to protect him?

And that's just with our typically developing children.

Throw into the mix a child with....issues.  Now we've got a whole new ballgame. 

Unless you have lived it, you cannot possibly imagine the constant anxiety a parent goes through when they have that child who can't behave, can't keep it together, who causes problems every day at the location you have left him, who stresses out the adult they are with, and you can't fix it for either of them.  The sense of failure.  The sense of guilt. 

You can't fathom the feeling in the pit of this parent's stomach when you ask for a report at the end of that day, hoping against hope, that maybe today you'll hear, "He did really well!" but knowing you're more than likely goign to hear about how he couldn't keep his hands to himself, can't behave appropriately, was defiant, uncooperative, wouldn't settle down, threw things, hit people, got really angry and screamed and cried, wouldn't play with the other children, would participate in the activities...again.

This is the child you love!  The one who leaves you up at night worrying about what you're doing wrong.  The one you spend years trying to figure out how to help.  The one you'd give anything to see succeed! 

And then you get the referral and start the long, long, ... looooong process of evaluations and mounds of paperwork and missed days of work, miles and miles and miles of driving (unless you're lucky enough to live really close to all the Drs who can help you.... we weren't that lucky), and the endless line of doctors...the neurologists and the psychologists and the specialists and ....

BUT WAIT...I'm GRATEFUL for all the time and effort and energy we've devoted!  If you're just starting this process, DON'T STOP!!!  It IS worth it!  Look how far our efforts have brought Eli!  There was a time I thought he'd be with us forever...he'd never have a life of his own that he'd be able to managed by himself.  Now... look at him!  How smart he is!  How well he does on his meds.  Sure he has difficult days still.  Sure he still meets challenges at times, but he's going to be fine.

And then I saw the headline. 

Teacher/Bully: How my Son was Humiliated and Tormented by as his Teacher and Aide

I instantly felt sick.  I instantly thought, "Oh my gosh, could this happen to my Eli?"  Would some future person treat him this badly?  Would a trusted adult do this to my sweet boy and hurt him in this way?  

How do I keep him safe?  These are the thoughts that keep me up on a night like tonight.

Here's what I have determined.

Here's what I know I can do: 

I can pray and keep faith that God will never take Eli through any challenge greater than he can handle.  He's proven to me over and over than He's with us at all times, and though out journey has had its ups and downs, we're handling it!  We're doing okay here!

I can remain involved in his schooling, developing good relationships with the teachers, the principal, the school psychologist, and other staff, so they KNOW my son, they KNOW how sweet a child he is, they KNOW the challenges he faces daily and we make sure we identify and accommodate for those challenges. 

And I can write. 

I can write this blog and I can connect people to Eli who have never even met him, but who will appreciate him for who he is;  who will not only be aware of his "issues" but who will also ACCEPT him as he is...they'll have compassion and tolerance for this boy, who will grow into a teen, and who will grow into a man. They'll have empathy for his difficulties and they'll celebrate his victories, all because they are reading this blog. 

They will see him for the wonderful person Eli is! 

Not a behavior problem. 

Not some weird kid who yells out in the middle of class and then doesn't remember it five minutes later. 

Not some unfriendly kid who won't even speak to you when you try to talk to him because he doesn't know who in the world you are, so it's best to just ignore you...you might go away. 

NO!  They won't see him that way, they'll KNOW he's just Eli because they already read about that "certain thing he does" or that "way he acts sometimes" here on this blog, and they'll instead nod and smile and say, "That's just how Eli is.  Just be patient with him." 

And they won't be cruel to him.

Thank you.  Thank you to everyone who has mentioned to me that they read the blog, like the blog, have learned from the blog, to everyone who has commented on the blog either here on Blogger, or on Facebook.... you have no idea how much it uplifts me!  Because I know every single one of you will help to support and protect Eli as he grows up.

THAT'S what I can do to help protect him.  I can help get awareness and understanding out there, promote acceptance for all who are struggling with challenges, be it through Autism or something else, and help to get everyone on board. 

Because it really does take a community to raise a child.