Take this from me....

Father, You know I have had to learn to be grateful in all things.  Sometimes it takes me a while to get to the point where I remember...but in time I always come back around to James 1:2-3. 

Remember Father?  Last October, when we got Eli's diagnosis?  Remember that car ride home...how numb I was?  How surreal it all felt and looked....how, to this day, the visual memory of the trip through Columbus is all silver and glowing outside the car windows?  What was that? 

And I couldn't think.  All I had was weird abbrevations and words I didn't know rolling around in my head.  "PDD-NOS..... Autism Spectrum Disorder.... Pervasive...it means it effects everything in his life....autism....the most difficult diagnosis I've ever done.....your son is autistic....Eli is autistic...my baby is autistic....."

Remember Lord, how brave I tried to be but how I ended up flailing around with the emotions days later and how the panic moved in and choked me until Ben assured me it was all true, and I could finally accept it?  Remember all the DOUBTS that filled me, but between You and Ben, I found comfort and a newfound purpose in this hand we've been dealt? 

I finally saw the angel You had sent me, Lord, and I was humbled that You had found me worthy to care for this child!  I knew we'd had rough times in the past with Eli, and would have more to come, but I embraced this gift You have given me...the gift of opportunity and privilege to help Eli.  You have trusted me, therefore I am confident in my ability to be all that Eli needs me to be for him.

I've taken great comfort in knowing that Eli often turns to me in the times he needs calmed or comforted.  When no one else can break through the storm of a meltdown that is overwhelming him, I am blessed that I am the one who can reach him, calm him, be the person he latches on to, to pull him out of the emotional hurricane he's lost in, bring him back into reality and safety.  It's not pride Father that I feel in these times.  It's a sense of comfort and strength ... and a sense of healing that comes straight from You, coursing though me and into Eli to rescue him.  You know my heart!  Even during the weary times, you know HOW MUCH I Love this boy!  You know how deeply my emotions run for this child who keeps us all on our toes day in and day out.  He's so smart!  So funny!  So delightful! So unpredictable.

Lord... I might be tempted to ask You to save Eli from the Autism Monster that plagues him, but I would never ask You to take any of this from me.  This is the cross You have asked me to carry, Father and I will take joy in the trial, knowing the testing of my faith will build perserverance. 

But this new thing Lord, I humbly ask you to take this from me.  In fact, I lay down before you, with my face to the floor, tears flowing freely and I plead with you....

These new hormonal shifts Eli is dealing with, the harsh emotions that are taking him over lately, the inability to effectively and appropriately communicate what his needs, his emotions are.... I can deal with most of it.  But not the anger he keeps directing at me. 

I can't handle the hate that glares out of those pale eyes, Father.  I am supposed to be the one who loves him best and most, who comforts and protects him...the one who he runs to when he can't deal with the world around him.  So I cannot possibly be the person he hates like that! The person he won't let near him, won't speak to, the person he holds at a distance and won't let near him.  No no!  I am supposed to be the one he'll let in after he blocks the rest of the world out!  I can't be shut out with the rest of the world!  Who will rescue him then?  Who will comfort him and bring him back from the edge??  That's supposed to be me!

For three days now, he's looked at me with those cold, glaring eyes.  For three days, he's been quick to anger, yelled at me, lashed out verbally, screamed and stormed and raged and despised.  And yes, hated.  He's so mad and he can't tell me why.  He can't figure out for himself why he's feeling the way he's feeling and he flat out shuts down when I try to talk to him about it.  But his eyes seethe anger and his tongue drips with venom, if and when he'll speak to me. 

Tonight was my breaking point.  The tears flowed as my heart broke into five hundred pieces for this child I love more than life itself.  The pain of being on the receiving end of his hatred.... Father, please.... I know how to be the one You chose to protect Eli and love Eli and comfort and rescue and accept and understand and tolerate and explain Eli.... but I cannot be the person he looks at with those eyes filled with hatred when his anger takes him over.  I've seen those eyes before...another person, another time...I survived that.  But I'm definitely not strong enough to endure those eyes from my sweet child. 

Once again I come back around to James, as well as remembering that You did not take the cup from your very own Son...so why should You take this cup from me?  I have no right to even ask this of You.  Father, it is Your Will, not mine.  But I am currently not equipped to deal with the pain of this.  But as always, I will trust You and know You will provide me with what I need.

It's going to be a while before I can take joy in this trial however.