Memory problems



Love the ribbon and definition, but the mis-spelled word really bothers me



Imagine yourself being accused of doing something you have no memory at all of doing? 

Picture yourself sitting before peers and authority figures and everyone agrees that you did indeed do this particular deed, there are witnesses all agreeing and telling the same story, but you can't recall the incident happening at all. 

Can you imagine the stress you would feel?  The level of defensiveness you would experience?  The fear and anxiety the accusation would produce?

Our son Eli, who lives his life with PDD-NOS, ADHD, Tourette Syndrome and severe Anxiety, knows first-hand how this experience feels.  His little mind succumbs to impulsive urges quite a bit.  He speaks or acts on a sudden impulse with no forethought...these sudden ideas or words spring to mind and Eli hasn't learned to control them at this point. Or resist them.  A word pops out of his mouth, shocking those around him.  His body physically reacts and responds to an impulse, and he may reach out and do something he should not have done.  He can't explain why he said or did something afterwards...it just "happened".  And he often finds himself dealing with a consequence for doing or saying something completely inappropriate.

If Eli's impulsive act is addressed immediately, he recalls the incident (for the most part...details become hazy, but he knows it did occur) and he's always honest about it.  It might take some coaxing, but he

will usually 'fess up to me about what took place and admit what he did or said.  He can rarely explain why he did it, but he's always upfront about doing it.  We've worked hard on making it safe for him to be honest. 

Eli knows it's always best to tell Mom the truth!  Lying will get you in far worse trouble, so yes, he does admit his mistakes regularly and without a lot of fuss.  We have put into his head over and over and over that EVERYONE makes mistakes, even grown ups -- and grown ups usually make bigger mistakes!  The best thing to do is to admit it, accept the consequence for the action, learn from it, and move forward.  He has embraced this lesson and practices it regularly.

We run into problems, however, when one of Eli's impulsive actions is not addressed immediately.  If he impulsively does or says something, and it's not pointed out to him within a very short time, his memory does not retain it.  His short-memory discards it completely, like it never even happened.

I'll admit it... I used to think he was lying in order to get out owning up to his mistakes.  How many times did we go through the routine? 

Shaking his head, in determined denial, "I didn't do it, mom.  It wasn't me." 

Confused look on his face, "....I don't remember that...???"

Full-blown hysterical crying, "IT WASN'T ME! I NEVER DID THAT! NO NO NO!  I NEVER SAID THAT!"

I think the turning point for me in really understanding and accepting that he was dealing with sincere short-term memory issues was when he began to forget fun things too.  Something positive would occur and if it was brought up days later, he would not be able to recall it taking place.  Sometimes if we described the event very clearly for him it would bring back a vague memory of having been there, done that.... but the details of the event were lost to him. 

One Sunday evening not too long ago, Eli had been looking thoughtful for a while, when he suddenly looked at me and said, "Mom, can you tell me what we did yesterday?" 

"What do you mean, honey... you mean, the whole day?"

"Yes," Eli said.  "I don't remember Saturday."

It pretty much floored me, but I reined it in and described how Daddy and I had gone to the store in the late morning while he and Ash had stayed home; how Ash had worked on his English project all day and then gone out on a date later that evening.  I reminded E of how we'd stopped by the funeral home Saturday evening for the calling hours of a friend's husband, and how Eli had waited in the car playing with my Kindle because he really didn't want to go inside...and what we'd had for supper that night.

Eli responded with a thoughtful, "Oh yeeaaah...."  but I honestly don't know if he actually remembered the day or not.

So now we skip to yesterday.  Eli had some major problems with impulsive behaviors on several occasions at school yesterday.  The one incident - the worse offense of the two - was addressed right away and it was the reason for his consequence of no video game hour last night.  Eli fully admitted he'd done that one; had no idea why he said what he said, but knew he did it.

The second incident was not able to be addressed until about 5 minutes after it occurred.  By that time, Eli's brain had discarded the impulsive, inappropriate act completely and Eli suddenly found himself facing the music for something he could not remember doing.  It was a lesser offense, but for him, it was far more traumatic.  He was not asked to face a consequence for what he said, but you'd have thought we'd grounded him for rest of 2012 by his reaction! 

It's heart-wrenching to listen to his denials through hysterical tears!  He will never know how much I suffer along with him because - to him, in his mind - "Mommy doesn't believe me".

I do believe you, Buddy!  I know you're telling me the truth as you know it!  I know you can't remember what happens sometimes, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.  I know it hurts you and makes you feel just awful inside.  But know this Sweetheart...

We will continue to help you learn how to control your impulses, and maybe one day you'll be able to stop yourself before you do or say something inappropriate.  It may take the next 20 years, but we're going to keep working on it.  We will never give up.  

Know that we never want you to think you can use "I don't remember" as an excuse to get away with things...that's just not an option.  It may seem harsh to you now, but we are going to empower you to succeed, not enable you to fail.

Most of all, know that I love you so much and your pain cuts through me like glass.  But we will carry on together, we'll grieve together, we'll heal together, and we'll overcome everything that tries to be an obstacle in our lives. Together.  You are not alone, Eli.

By the way, Eli has been all about his big brother lately.  So in order to get calmed down yesterday, he crawled up on Ash's lap for about 1/2 and hour and was greatly comforted.  Since Eli could not play video games last night, he spent about 2 more hours in on our bed with his Guys (actions figures) and watched cartoons.  By the time he left our room, he was Golden.

Today is the full moon!  E got up this morning and he felt so much calmer to me!  The frenzy he's been the last week was absent from him.  He felt smooth and thinned out, not thick and heavy with tension. I think we're going to see some marked improvement in all aspects of his life.  I'm happy for him.  He's due for a break.