Forcing Socialization

Let me say once again... I'm no expert.  I have nothing that qualifies me to give "expert advice" on raising a child with autism except that I happen to be doing just that.  But that's where you can draw the line.  And remember the popular saying, "If you have met one person with autism...you have met one person with autism."  Every individual on the spectrum is unique.  So that said...take my following "advice" with a grain of salt and just know your own kid.  What works for mine won't necessarily work for yours.  

It's been difficult to find time to write.  Last week was busy because it was Vacation Bible School at our church, Amazing Wonders Aviation.  It was an enlightening week for me as I watched Eli in this environment, and I think I have come to some important decisions about some choices I have been struggling with regarding Middle School (two years away).

But first, before I get to that, let me give a bit of Kudos where it's due.... our VBS is awesome! We generally pull in 70+ kids for the week.  Our event planner, Jodi, does an amazing job.  She's meticulous, organized, thinks every possible little thing through, plans out every minute detail for six consecutive days down to the last possible cookie needed....she does a great job!  

The VBS days of my childhood were filled with a little bible study and doing a craft project, usually consisting of cinnamon sticks, ribbons and glue, to take home to mama.  I think I remember us singing a song about the books of the bible at the end of the week for the parents.  That's all I remember about the VBS of my childhood.  Yawn.

Jodi, on the other hand, plans out and organizes a six day program for our kids that would put any event planner to shame!  I don't think anyone realizes the amount of time and energy that goes into the preparing for VBS!  She makes it an all out performance with music and video and dancing and singing and stations and games and valuable teachings and snacks and water play, not to mention the big to-do that occurs on the last night!  Surely our children are going to receive a lot more worthwhile memories of their VBS experiences! 

Our worship leader for VBS is Jenn and she gives it her all!  She spends a month or more learning every song, every word, every movement, every dance step and then, with great energy, she leads our children as they learn the songs each night.  Jenn stands up there on stage twice a night, for six nights, and gets our kids pumped up and excited about Jesus! Then she ends every evening on a high note before they depart for home.  She dances and sings and gives of herself in such a positive way...the kids love her!  The kids love her sidekick, Dusty Twails, too!  Dusty has been played for the last three years by our beloved minister, Chris.  He's hilarious, loses himself in the role, dances, sings, acts silly and takes such pleasure in connecting with the children, who are delighted with the silliness and fun he brings to VBS!  What a wonderful experience for these children!

There are too many other folks to mention all by name but we have a lot of volunteers who give their All during the week in order to make the event a wonderful success. People who give their time, money and talents, who connect with our children and give them such love and positive experiences.  And so many other members of the congregation who donate supplies.  It's truly a "whole church" event!

You would think with such an amazing event that our church puts on year after year, summer after summer, Eli would remember and be more than happy to go!  But this is Eli we're talking about...our little man who doesn't care to leave the house.  When told it was time to go to VBS, I got a lot of, "Noooo!!!  I don't want to go to VBS!  Nooooo!!!!"   

Like anything that involves leaving the house - if it's not something of his own choosing, we have to force the issue with him.

Essentially we have to force Eli to socialize.

The lesson included popping a balloon to get the piece of paper inside.
Eli didn't want to pop his balloon. Here he's protecting it.

Clearly we have to make smart choices when it comes to forcing Eli to go do something he's resisting, and we have had to learn to pick our battles.  We try not to force him into situations where his lack of wanting to go will negatively effect him or other people.  No need to cause a meltdown. No need to ruin someone else's good time.

But we know from experience that Eli will have a blast if he goes to VBS.  He comes home every evening with fun stories, telling me what a great time he had.  It's a joy to hear him walking in the door with his big brother after another evening, laughing about something funny that happened!

Eli enjoyed running backwards to make his wand emit large bubbles. 

  Eli has fun with the other kids and enjoys laughing with them, but I do still see how he keeps himself apart from them too.  


He quite often chooses to stand apart from them ... that is, until he chooses to join them.  I don't force him to join, but let him do it at his own pace, in his own time.  But at least he's in a place where he is being given the opportunity to join in when he's ready.  


And last week, watching him, it occurred to me... he seems happy in both places!  When he stands apart, he seems content.  When he chooses to join in, he seems well accepted and has a good time, too.  It's such a comfort after the early years of no friendships.  It's a blessing.  

Sometimes I feel like Ferdinand the Bull's Mother... 

"His mother saw that he was not lonesome, and because she was an understanding mother......

she let him just sit there and be happy."
(The story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf) 

Eli's favorite night of VBS was the final night with the giant inflatable
water slide.  Here he is climbing up to take his turn.

If E had his way, he would stay home all the time.  He wouldn't have to go out into the world.  He could just stay in the house, wearing his hoodie sweatshirts, holding Monkey, watching cartoons and waiting for his next time slot to play video games.

He wouldn't be forced to go to school.  He wouldn't be forced to go to church.  

He wouldn't be forced to go to anywhere he didn't choose to go...in other words, 

any place he didn't deem "fun"!

Waiting in line for the giant water slide.  What a smile!

I think this realization alone is helping me to lean toward keeping him in public school, and lean away from online home-schooling.  

Fun but freezing!  Eli spent a lot of the time
wrapped in a towel trying to warm up in the sun.

Eli needs those interactions with friends!  I don't want him to lose those skills, simply because he would choose not to leave the house.  As it is right now, those times when he decides he's ready to interact with other kids, he is accepted.  He's learning social cues and interaction skills, and those are so important for any kid...but especially for one on the spectrum!  Eli's already got enough eccentricities which, as he ages, will begin to set him apart from those who are unfamiliar with him.  Helping him now to learn how to appropriately interact with his peers, and providing him with the opportunity to develop relationships with other children who accept him as he is.... there's just no way I'm willing to take that away from him.


Eli's favorite parts of this year's VBS was the big to-do on the last night, with a slip-n-slide and the giant water slide from Athens Inflatables.  Plus, Chris gave him a plastic, blow-up airplane on the last night, which has become a favorite toy.




Eli has also enjoyed reliving several funny moments from the week and has laughed and laughed.  This brings me great happiness, because...well, if you've ever heard Eli's laughter, you would understand.  It just fills a room with joy!

Some of Eli's favorite stories from this year's VBS involved the child who announced into the microphone one evening that she'd farted, which amused most people, but seriously cracked Eli up.  Another child was caught eating the wet cement they used to make their stepping stones project. When he was told he couldn't eat the cement, he smacked his lips and proclaimed, "...but it's good!"  Eli has laughed and laughed about those stories and derived such hilarity from both instances that, for him, it was those moments that made leaving the house all the more worthwhile to him!

Personally, I see the irony...I could totally see a younger Eli doing both of those things.  Definitely.

  

Lunchtime Quickie

Eli and his winnings

I wanted to share quickly how we spent Ash's birthday last week. 

On Thursday evening (actual birthday) Ash wanted to play penny-ante poker for his birthday.  We ate homemade pizza and then we all went in search of our pennies.  We keep baggies of pennies for this purpose. 

Ash started out well, and Ben had a few big hands, but Eli was our Big Winner of the evening, which thrilled him to pieces!  I, on the other hand, had very lousy cards for the most part.  I only won two hands and when I did, the pots were very miniscule.  I can't tell you how aggravating it was to finally have a flush, only to be beaten by 4 of a kind!  Ugh!  But it's all in fun, and we had a great time, laughing and just spending time together as a family. 

I could tell it was very stressful for Eli to learn how to play the game, even though he was having an absolute blast!!  His breathing became rapid - one of his tics and self-imposed coping strategies -- when the anxiety is overwhelming him, he just automatically starts in with the frantic, deep breathing. 

He was concentrating so hard on what was in his hand.  If we would nudge him to move a little faster on his decision (because he would take fooooorrrreeeeevvvverrrrrrr!) then he'd start to freak out a bit, get angry, squeal at us and the anxiety would overwhelm him.  The constant heavy/deep breathing was a part of the entire game, as he focused and strained to understand what he was seeing and understand the cards in his hand.   But he loved it and he did VERY well!  And as you can see above, he cleaned up! 

Sunburned Ash and Alexis at Texas Roadhouse for Birthday Steak

Saturday night we went to Texas Roadhouse for steak dinners -- Eli had shrimp instead, but that was okay!  There was a lot of giggling about our Grumpy Waitress who only smiled one time at us the entire evening and seemed annoyed to have to be waiting on us at all. 

Even when we asked for the big Birthday Yeehaw for Ash, Grumpy Waitress was less than pleasant, sighed and said (like she was bored), "Let me round everyone up..." as if it was her least favorite part of her whole night.  Poor Grumpy Waitress!  Pretty sure public service isn't for her!  Gave us a humorous edge to the entire night, however! 

 

Big Brother's Birthday

I'm always on here bragging about Eli and what a great kid he is and how proud I am of him.  

Today, it's Ash's turn.

Today is big brother Ash's Birthday - he's 15 years old!  He's such a wonderful guy!  I'm so proud to be able to make the claim that "I'm Ash's Mom".  No one else can make that claim...I own it, and I feel so honored!   

I'm Ash's Mom.  

 Oh, it sends pure joy through my very soul! 

Alexis and Ash, May 2012

Ash humbles and blesses me on a daily basis because he is such a good person.  I know Ben and I have done a lot to ensure we raise our boys right, but I still think a lot of Ash's really good qualities just naturally come from within him.  I think it's just "who Ash is"...and I love him so much for his "old soul", his humor, his sense of chivalry, his intelligence and the fact that he has a really good head on his shoulders.

I watch him with Eli.  Sure, they have their moments where they both want to rip each others heads off, but what siblings don't?!  But I also see the patience Ash shows Eli and the compassion, the tolerance and understanding.  Because of his connection to Eli, Ash will be a more compassionate, tolerant man.  I see how difficult it can be for Ash at times and how he fights his own emotions at times in order to do what he knows is the right thing.  And I see the brotherly love they share.

The other night I listened to Ash and Eli giggling over a video game.  Just two brothers, openly laughing out loud and being together.  They were cracking themselves up and sharing the fun together. There was no autism in the room in that moment. Just two brothers, sharing hilarity and making fun memories for each other and with one another.  I was in the kitchen fixing dinner, listening and feeling my heart swell with love and hope and promise.  I raised a silent prayer of thanksgiving that Eli has his big brother Ash in his life.  Ash gives Eli so much that I could never give.

I am Ash and Eli's Mom.

There are no words to describe how I feel right now.

Saturday we'll take Ash's Birthday Celebration to Texas Roadhouse for dinner, along with Ash's sweet girlfriend Alexis.  Nothing screams PARTY like STEAK, as far as Ash is concerned. Of course the rest of the family was more than happy to join in a steak celebration!  Yum!

Happy Birthday, Ash. 
Thank you for being You.

Run For God, and a Break from Motherhood

I have joined a group from church called Run for God. 

Yes, you heard me.  I will probably be the one waaaaay in the back, walking for all she's worth, but I joined the group anyway.

Our pastor has a passion for running and is quite a talented, accomplished runner, in fact. From this passion of his, our group was "born".  The group is designed to connect people with a similar interests (running, exercise, healthier living, etc.) to one another and to Christ.

Our group meets on Wednesday evenings and we are working toward a 5K.  I suppose I'm so excited to be a part of this group for many, many reasons, but mostly because - as bad as it sounds - I finally feel like it gives me permission to take a break from motherhood once in a while and gives me an excuse to do something good for ME.

I don't know if I can fully articulate how difficult it is for me to even say that.  Take time for yourself?!  Gasp! Shameful!, my subconscious is horrified at the thought!

It might make sense to some other mothers as to why I have such guilt issues about leaving the house for a few hours to go exercise, or do anything for that matter that isn't child- or family-based.  In my head, I can't do anything that would end up letting someone down, so I usually don't feel I can actually justify taking time out for ME.  You're being selfish!  Tsk Tsk! Shame on you! 

This group is my "excuse"... after all, it's for church right?!  So my subconscious can't look down her nose at me.  Aha!  It allows me to give myself permission to take care of me for a while.  And quite frankly, I need to do more of that.  I need to learn to be a little selfish...to take a day off and go to see my "female Dr." because I'm ashamed to say I can't remember the last time I went...and that's just plain stupid at my age.  I need to start making the time...and taking the time...to take care of ME.  That includes exercise, and rest.  I'm so exhausted most of the time.

I have to take care of ME! 

I don't know why I feel the urge to cry when I write those words.  The guilt floods through me like I'm letting everyone down if I'm not readily available and ever-present, unless I'm working one of my jobs, or serving the church in some way.  I don't dare chase my dreams, or pursue my own desires... I have a family and I have to put myself on the back-burner!  If I want to take time to go walk for exercise or do something good for me, I feel as if it's as bad as sin, like I'm slacking and not holding up my end of things.  Like I'm being selfish. 
The fact of the matter is...if I don't lose weight, get healthier and start taking better care of ME, then I'm not going to be around for much longer.  My health will eventually begin to fail...I'm already on the brink of really starting to go downhill...and how much help am I going to be to my kids and husband if I'm gone??  And while I completely know it's all true, I'm still sitting here feeling guilty about even thinking about it!

So I'm grateful for this Run for God Group, because I DO feel extremely motivated...and I DON'T feel the guilt. (well, maybe a little, but hey, it's for church...so it's okay!)  Is it because I'm part of a group and not just exercising by myself?  Do I feel more like I'm serving and less like I'm slacking or taking away from my family?  I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm going to take full advantage of the opportunity and see what I can do with it. 

So say a little prayer for me that my body will adjust.  I hurt.  I'm not letting it stop me though.  I sort of feel as if this is my last shot.  My last chance to lose weight, to rescue my health before it tips over the side and plunges beyond the point of no return, my last chance to save my sanity from my crazy life, my last chance to have a goal, a dream and actually achieve it..... my last chance to save what's left of ME....because if I don't, it feels as if there will be nothing left of Kim inside....I'll just belong to everyone else around me.  I'll have given it all away.  Everyone will have a little piece of me, but there will be nothing of me left inside. 

Is this just me, or are there other mom's out there who can relate to this?  Let me hear from you!  And by all means, if you're looking for permission to take a break and do something good for you, JOIN ME.  You can run, you can walk but take a break and do something good for you. Come join our group if you're interested, or if you're not in the area, do it on your own!  Because there really are a whole lot of people counting on you, and it's downright overwhelming, isn't it?!  So if you don't step away once in a while, you'll burn out and fizzle into nothingness and you won't be good for anyone. 

If you are interested in joining the group, by all means, let me know...all are welcome!